Life is pain.

Life is pain. People die each day, every hour, every minute. Mothers weep, children bleed, men fight, people die. Humans do disgusting things to each other. Everything is screwed up. He blessed us with a beautiful planet and look what we have done to it. Look what we have done to each other. Pain is inevitable. I can see it in their eyes. Its written all across their faces. They are all in pain. They are all suffering. We live, we suffer, we die. There is no escape. May Allah guide us all. 

Children

Going to work in an air conditioned car taking a clean highway, working 9 hours a day in a 19 story building.. I look forward to the simple things i get to witness on my way back home. I take a different route after work and i love it. It passes through a bazar (market) and i always look forward to it. The smell of all kinds of food,  the sound of automobiles, people... its always refreshing. We stopped near a fruit stall because my brother had to buy grocery. A little boy caught my attention when he tried to pick up a banana from the fruit stall but the seller (his father) scolded him away. He jumped back with fear and took a seat a few steps away from his dad. He had one of the most innocent looks on his face. My heart ached for him. His brother was sitting at the corner of the stall the entire time, attentively watching his father sell the fruit, probably because he is going to be the bread earner after his father and would sell fruit for the rest of his life. A few minutes passed and the elder brother started shouting slogans to attract customers. His brother joined to tease him and they both burst into a laugh. I watched them quietly, smiling through tears, thinking how simple and beautiful yet so unfair their life is. No one deserves to be poor. No child deserves to stay deprived of education and basic necessities. No child deserves to stay deprived of a normal childhood. No child deserves having to grow up so fast. May God be with the children   

We deserve to be humans.

The first step towards evolution should have been us evolving as humans. Clearly we screwed that up. We spent so much time inventing that we forgot to be humans. Now we are just beasts running the machines in an insane world. We have turned into dogs who are only loyal to their bone. We won't let anybody else touch it and in case we lose it, we'd kill to have someone else's. We live for that bone. I can't imagine my children growing up in a world like this. I can't imagine anyone else's. We are a world filled with poverty and slavery and pain. We die innocent deaths each day. We Steal others freedom to find our own. We lie and cheat and deceive to be happy even when we don't deserve it. We look for peace in materials and collect money instead of smiles. We let them hurt our children and don't raise our voice. We watch them steal our joy and stay quiet. We accept what we get as our fate and lead miserable lives. We see injustice and we let it happen. We are beasts. We are cowards. We deserve to be better. We deserve to be humans.

Stronger each day.

"Happiness is only true when shared." its a quote from a brilliant movie and someone said this to me today. Here is why. It was a usual bad day at work. No matter how hard i try to focus i still fail to concentrate. Things kept crumbling down until i just couldn't handle them anymore and a call from my father put an end to it all. My neighbor passed away. i'v known her for 15 years and she is no more. It was almost break time And my boss was not in the office so i packed up and left. As usual i left the office not knowing where i'd go. Today was hard.As usual.. I wrote a text a million times and erased it. I couldn't call anybody. I made my way to a restaurant and went to the rooftop. It was empty. I took the seat at the corner facing the mountains. I placed the order and looked around. Mountains, birds, busy traffic, familiar surrounding, music, silence, memories, grief. Every now and then a tear hopelessly made its way down my cheek. Good thing no one was around. A while later a foreigner came in and took a seat a few tables away. I felt sad for him because he was alone. It took me a while to realize i was alone too. i guess this happens when u'v been this way for a while. Later i told this to an old friend. Thats when my friend said it. And it made me realize how little they know me. The world thinks i am this way because i feel it will make me happy or i'll be better off. Fame, success, money.. these things never interested me. never will. Freedom? its an illusion. Loyalty demands sacrifice. Thats what it is. Going away is not going to make it any easier for me but its the only chance to survival in this mean insane world. "Pain is inexhaustible, Its only people who get exhausted". I'm exhausted and pain just keeps on coming. Stronger each day.

Life man, life.

After a long tiring week i decided to spend my weekend away, away from home and work. I had a fixture to go to so i decided to take some extra time out and went for a movie. This is something i knew i shouldn't have done from the very first minute. I picked up my cell a thousand times to ask a friend to come along but gave up telling myself i had to do it alone. i should.. because this is how its going to be like for the rest of my time here in the city. Alone and usually miserable. I reached 15 minutes late and went straight to the theater. Fate had decided to take me to a little trip of its own. A trip to my past. future and present at the same time. My seat was next to an old lady. she had come alone just like me. When i looked at her the first time i was convinced it was going to be a long movie. my eyes welled up as soon as i sat down. A few rows down ahead i saw some friends sitting together, enjoying just like we used to. It tore my heart into a million pieces. I watched the whole movie reliving my life from the very beginning to the very end. Being alone is not easy. Its hard and plain unfair. But fate was never fair.It never cared. It gives you as  it wills and takes away from you whatever it wants. And it never, NEVER gives it back. Life man, life.

Little angel.

It was a usual long day at work. Missed the break too therefore was hungry like a dog by the time i got in my car after work. I took out the lunch my mother had made me and started eating. We stopped at a signal where i saw a little girl begging. She came to my window, looked at my food and expressed how bad she wanted it. I rolled down my window and gave her my sandwich. That was not the end to this story. Since there was a traffic jam we didn't move for a while. I could see her walking away from my car in the side mirror. What i saw next made me cry. She gave that sandwich to her brother and waved a fan at him while he ate. He looked a little older than her and she must be under 10. That sight made my heart ache. What a painful sight. So horribly and painfully sad. I wish i had another sandwich. I wish this world was fair. Free of pain and poverty. Free of ruined childhoods. Free of slavery. I wish. I pray.

Acceptance.

Weekend is almost over for which i'm glad. Its always hard being home. Tomorrow it will start all over again. I work 9 and a half hours a day with an hour and a half break in the middle. During that time i simply go to some nice place and eat alone. It  was hard initially but now i'm getting used to it. By the time i get off work i'm always too tired to talk to anyone so i simply go home, say my prayers, eat, get things ready for the next day and hit the bed. And the next day it starts all over again. Its not the kind of life i wanted but its exactly the kind i need. It doesn't let me be me, doesn't make me happy but its for the greater good. Like i said before.. its not about living anymore, only surviving.

Only survival.

Its funny how life treats us. How sometimes things seem so wrong but then all of a sudden it all turns around or one day you are living on the top of the world and the next.. you find yourself on rock bottom. Today was hard just like every other day for the past month. I spent the third night of this month writing and erasing a wish a thousand times until i ran out of strength and tears and just gave up. It was probably the hardest most horrible night of my life. I haven't slept since and last night was simply an endless struggle to fall asleep that ended in failure yet again. In the end, weary from the struggle, i simply locked myself in an empty room and cried until i became numb. Later I dressed up and went to work. Luckily it was a busy day until lunch time. Went to subway. Don't even want to write about it. it was horrible. When i reached the office i made sure i get busy again. Did overtime but as soon i got in my car it all came back to me. Life is just about moving in a circle now. Each day, Every day, A constant struggle to stay on my feet, to keep moving and not break down. And if i get lucky, to get some sleep during the night. Its not about living anymore, only surviving. 

Lonely lunches.

Today it was second day at work and i had not slept yet another night. At lunch time, having no one to have lunch with, i quietly made my way to optp. I ordered the usual and took seat near the window, facing the view. It was right opposite to where i was sitting exactly 4 months ago with my friends. I sat there quietly with a river bursting inside drowning me. I'v never in my entire life have struggled this hard to keep my tears from falling. They did. Eventually. People saw. Didn't care. I sat there quietly staring out the window, feeling more empty with every bite.  I'v never felt more alone in my entire life. It all flashed right in front of my eyes. All the beautiful memories. What a horrible day. What an absolutely horrible day. Now i'm just a freak who eats alone.

Nothing left to lose.

When i was 10 the biggest most gigantic thing i ever had to worry about was how to collect Rs.180 to buy a football whenever i needed a new one. 15 years later and here i am.. nothing to win and nothing left to lose. Somewhere along the way i just forgot how to live for myself. And that somehow cost me everything. This world is weird in this way. When it takes something away from you it never gives it back. Hearts bleed, Souls scream but the world keeps on spinning.. leaving you behind if you don't try to keep up. People are weird too. No matter how dear they may claim you are to them they won't hesitate a second to squish you under their giant feet and carry on without you if they have to. There are no rules around here. Relations are overrated, people are overrated. Life is overrated.

An unpleasant trip down the memory lane.

I went for the test in my uni today. It sucked by the way. Finished it early therefore i had an hour to myself before my brother was supposed to pick me up. There were very few people inside and once i left the building surprisingly there was no other human in sight. It was around 4 in the evening and cool breeze was blowing as a result of the rainfall in the morning. I walked out of my department and looked over at the cafe's side. In that moment i knew it was going to be one long horrible hour. Memories came flashing back all at once. All the short trips to the cafe, the time in winters when my friend and i both used to come early in the morning and meet in the cafe for a cup of tea, how we used to spend hours on the back in the warmth of the sunlight, how we used to have lunch after classes every single day, A must cup of tea with biscuits in the evening, how i usually found him sitting on the front side with people around. Unlike me he had a huge social circle. Anyways.. i stood in one place and looked around. There was a memory associated with every single spot i could see. I guess that's normal when you spend 10 hours each day at some place for almost half a decade. However that's not what surprised me. I was amazed by the fact that every thing i was reminded of was associated with my best friend. It felt like i never knew anybody else. The unusual short walks on the highway, How i could spot him coming from the gate all the way from my department.. his unique stride.. everything.

I walked over to the tree and sat on the bench facing the ground. I could almost hear the the crowd chanting when ever there was a football match in the ground or futsal in the court. I could almost see myself standing  anxiously behind the crowd in the court three years ago, it was a mid december evening. Inter fast futsal final against rebelz. it had come down to penalties and i just couldn't watch anymore so i stood behind the crowd that surrounded him. They lost the match. As i saw him leaving i called his name, he turned around and walked towards me... I was so overwhelmed that i offered him a hand by accident. It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Fast sports fest, His match was on but i had to go inside because i had my table tennis match at the same time. I still remember how i din't want to miss a second of his match. I kept running out to know the score every time i had a chance. Finally i saw the crowd gathering around the goal posts. It had come down to penalties. I couldn't have missed it for the world. I remember i was so nervous that i literally ran down the stairs towards the field. Didn't even care i had a match too. I reached just in time and stood on his right side behind the crowd, praying. We won. The whole crowd ran towards him and i just stood there.. smiling through the tears. I waited for a while. Thought he might come but he didn't. But it was okay. The memories are countless. All the matches, walks, Nascon.. they were so many that for a moment i just wanted to run away from it all. My heart literally tore to pieces. It didn't take long before i noticed a tear fall on my arm.. a thousand followed. I didn't even care to keep my voice down. I sat there and cried, realizing it will never be the same again. The best part of my life is over. For the first time in my life i hated myself for being me. I wished i had been more selfish, i wished i had never been so giving, i wished i had tried to take what i wanted, i wished i had graduated when i had the chance, i wished i had not been so caring and had gotten myself out of it the moment i realized what i was getting into. But i didn't. I let it happen knowing what will follow. I hated myself. I hated the world for having a chance to happiness when i longer had any. I hated my very existence. I hated how i can longer turn back. I hated how insanely i miss it. I hated it. 

Loyalty

Loyalty never goes unpunished. It kills you with time, a little each day until there is nothing left in you. Nothing human at least. And then you collect whatever remains of you and quietly walk away because you are simply embarrassed of what you've become. A monster... a beast that would try to harm them in ways u couldn't imagine so you protect them from yourself. You know there is no longer any cure for your insanity and you are well aware of what you are capable of. You spend your life acting as their shield, doing everything in your power to keep them from getting hurt until a day comes when you realize you are the one they need to be saved from. Its the worst thing that could happen to you, your biggest nightmare, but you live each day living it, fighting, telling yourself how it was the right thing to do. Its a battle that begins at the time you open your eyes in the morning and ends when and if you finally go to sleep.. until next day and then it starts all over again. It never ends. You can never be human again. You can no longer feel the things you felt before for anyone else anymore and you can no longer hope for anything good. Your dreams lose all meaning and you simply feel useless on the face of earth. Its the time you start doing things because you have to and no longer because you want to. Its the price you pay for being what you were. Its the price for loyalty.. because loyalty never goes unpunished.    

Memory is a monster.

Your memory is a monster. You forget, it doesn't.Standing alone in the dark. watching the night sky, she could almost see an angel walking through the woods, surrounded by the most beautiful butterflies she had ever seen. She remembered how she couldn't help but smile and think God must really like this one. She quietly followed and kept her distance making sure she didn't miss a second of his sight. Maybe because deep down she knew that was the last time God wanted her to walk through heaven and she could never have been more right. The sky was very kind for that time of the year and the road was empty. Birds sang all around and kept them company. The air smelled like forest.. one of her favorite scents.The streams followed wherever they went, screaming with joy.. There is never a sound more peaceful than an angry river or a noisy stream. Flowers met them at every corner. It was all so beautiful, so perfect, so unreal. She lived each second of that dream with a deep realization that it won't last. She wasn't that lucky, never was. She knew she'd wake up. She'd have to. And she did... because nothing gold can stay. 

Got to believe.

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

Never looked back.

She slowly made her way to the lake, forcing one foot after another, striving hard not to fall from the weight of the memories she was carrying inside her. She breathed heavily, tears kept streaming down her face as her feet touched the wet ground. She was exhausted, deprived of the energy to walk but she couldn't stop. The sky screamed in pain, her ears ringed by the thunder. She approached the lake soaked top to bottom, shivering with cold. As soon as she arrived her legs gave up and she fell to the ground. It was all too familiar.. the view. All those memories came back.. each one of them flashed right before her eyes. She kept drowning in the sea of her thoughts, unable to breath. The rain fell on her like stones. Minutes changed into hours until her mind became weary of the struggle to keep it together. She gave up and let the wind take her. Her soul rose in the air, moving away from her body, reaching for the clouds. She never looked back. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Life goes on they say. Things change, priorities change, friends leave but life doesn't stop for anybody. Yes it doesn't. But it changes completely. And how it does depends on what we lose, how we lose it and what it meant to us. I've always put relations first. Always will if there is any left of it. I don't want to brag but in the past few days i'v realized that i am insanely loyal and selfless. Normally people don't see it. Probably they never will but in all honesty i never have and never will let anything go for my own good. I'm just not like that. and somehow i never leave a trace. I'v made peace with the fact that people are going to hate me for the things i make people believe i do but in my heart i know what i'v done and that these things have nothing to do with me. I go on.. life goes on. At this moment i'm completely lost. Not sure where i am, what my purpose is anymore. I simply feel useless. But i know i'll survive. I always do. 

Lonely whines.

"If one's different one's bound to be lonely". She repeats these words in her mind over and over as she struggles to hold it together for one more night. Just one more night. Tomorrow it will all be better. She tells that lie to herself as she shuts her eyes forcing herself to believe it. She doesn't. She never will. Never again. The realities of life have her convinced about her fate. Its all dark and scary out there. The world has turned into a mighty dungeon. She lives each day hoping she'd rise and find an escape. but there is none. The sun doesn't shine in the mornings anymore, the skies are empty at nights. Its all dark. Her chest feels hollow. Emptiness runs through her veins as she remembers their faces. The faces that yanked life right our of her. The faces that once made her rise so high that she almost believed she'd never see the ground again but in the end left her to rot in the bottomless pit. She is alive and yet has never been more dead. She feels and yet has never felt more numb. Her beating heart is the only sure sign of life.   

Moment of realization.

It was a perfect moment. A perfect happy moment and i'v never felt more sad at the same time. It was a typical yet not so typical summer night at university. I was sitting on a bench at the court behind the rest of the crowd, waiting patiently for the futsal final to begin. My eyes wandered from the players warming up in the court, faces i'v grown used to having around in the past 5 years including my best friend, to the rides shimmering with lights. I could see dozens of kids filled in the pirate ship, screaming with joy as it carried them to the top. My ears couldn't help but listen to the tambola commentary going on at my back. As i raised my gaze to get a glimpse of the beautiful night sky the world stopped for a while. Just for a moment. A tiny moment where i realized that this was it. It was one perfect night with everything i could ever ask for.And it was all going to end. This was the end of a lifetime and a beginning of forever. My eyes filled with tears as i looked down and smiled at my friend again. The end.    

The picture was complete.

I saw the most exquisite picture today. The artist had painted it exactly how i have imagined it for years now. It was whole. filled with extraordinary colors and sealed in the most beautiful frame. It was simply magical. Somehow i got absorbed into the picture and it came to life. The picture came to life! :') No matter how short lived it was and how i saw it slipping right through my hands while i was living it... I didn't waste an instant grieving about what follows. Rather seized each moment and let it have the best of me. God always amazes me. He always makes sure i taste a little of whatever i ask for. There is no doubt in my mind that He is the Greatest of all.  

No escape.

Yes the end is near. I wake up each day with a clear picture in my mind of whats coming and that just makes it impossible for me to leave the bed. Each night when i hit the bed i cry out of frustration. My heart keeps racing 24 hours a day. I'm scared. in a horrible kind of way but i guess i'm doing a really good job at not showing it. I know i can't fall apart. Life goes on and we have to deal with it. its not easy.Never will be. The sooner we accept it the better. I know i have. I just pray i'm able to get through with it with a smile on my face. The insides don't matter now. No escape.

Reality strikes.

The more i think about what lies ahead the more i wish i could make it stop. Even though i walk around each day with a smile but inside i'm like a scared little bunny hiding at a corner of the room, hoping fate forgets to play its little game on me. I lay in bed with a tired mind and a weary heart, deprived of thoughts. 5 years is a lifetime. This was my own little world, my home. A place where i felt safe. This is all i have done with my life but now i have to leave and join theirs. I don't know what the future holds for me and that just keeps getting scarier. Its the fear of the unknown that haunts me at nights. I hardly get much sleep now a days maybe because i'm trying to slow the time down. I guess no matter how much we are aware of the future we are actually never prepared to face it. Out of everything i'll be losing i'll miss my family the most. I simply don't want to go.

Another tragedy.

Today was horrible by all means. Burnt all my fingers by accident, both my best friends are not talking to me but i guess God wanted to make sure i see how mad he is at me because the worst met me in the evening.

I was sitting in the parlor with my sisters when my dad called to tell me he'll be there to pick us up in 2 minutes. A minute later a guy knocked at the door to inform his wife that there is a car on fire and he is going to help. As soon as i heard him say that i got up and ran outside. I was almost sure it was my dad's car. It was already dark. outside i could see a car at a small distance on the right, covered in flames right in the middle of traffic. With my eyes wide open and a racing heart i ran towards  the car. It took me 5 seconds to do the math and i finally realized it couldn't be my dad because he was coming from the other side. I stopped. But the horror didn't end there. I stopped and kept looking at the destruction. I couldn't move,couldn't scream. There were children inside and were literally thrown out of the burning car. By the look of it..it was obvious nobody could have survived. There were people running towards the scene from all directions. The car burned like a candle in the rainy night. So painful, so tragic. Its been 4 hours since i saw it and i still can't stop crying. May God keep us all safe.     . 

Statue with beating heart.

There is a price we pay with every breath. Life in this world is not free and we pay it off with ourselves. Slowly and gradually it kills us. It keeps on giving us reasons to keep running and we run to our own grave. For some unknown reason i always end up getting the raw end of the deal. But when the pain is so great and constant one becomes numb. I can almost take on anything and still not break. Days are still the same and nights are still empty. But i'm okay. A statue with beating heart.

Ticking time bomb.

I wake up each day with a strong realization of what lies ahead. Even though its the time of the year where i spend each day dreading the summers. The thought of being away from home.. it kills me. However this time its different. This time the summers are going to be forever. No escape at all. I'v spent all my life fearing the end and its finally here. Very close, very frightening. Like a ticking time bomb.

Damaged.

We are all damaged, moving around with bleeding scars. Every day, each day, we wake up, look up at the ceiling and remember how we got there. Still, we get up, dress up and face the world with a smile on our pale faces. If there could be an instrument to measure pain, this world would be such a better place to live in. Empathy is rare. We are all caught up in our own battle, oblivious to the fact that we are all in our own battle fields, fighting, dying a little each day. We are all wounded. Some more than others, some not healing at all. And we are all tired. Weary of waking up in the same bloody field as we fall a sleep in each night. We are all different but this pain makes us one. We are all beautiful stories written in the most delicate way. Meant to be read in this world. Joy at last to know there is no happiness in this world.  

Life is a bitch.

Life is a bitch. that's what my friend said when i told him whats happening in my house right now. Sadly,today is my birthday. I've always hated this day and for some reason every year i find a reason to envy this day even more. Yesterday a friend told me i should get used to the way things are by now. I can never get used to tragedy.i can never become immune to the pain i feel when i watch others fight or bleed. i can never be happy and know how someone around me is suffering at the same time.This life is nothing but trash. Filled with filth. Full of crap. There is no end to this fucking shit hole testing me over and over.Relations are overrated.   Just another day. </3

Rantings of a tired mind.(4)

I'm not very proud of how i'v been lately but i guess at the same time i don't care. I'v completely lost what it takes to be good and that's fine..maybe because i'v been good for too long and maybe i'v realized that there is no hope for anything worthwhile to happen in return. All my life i'v spent every ounce of my energy trying to make others feel special.. nothing ever stopped me from being who i was. Never did i realize what it was doing to me..killing me piece by piece. There is so much anger piled up inside waiting to get out.. literally begging my soul to set it free. There is a commotion filled inside my head,a constant noise that doesn't allow me to be at peace. A loud scream remains tied down in my throat desperate to come to life. There is so much pain. Its there. All the damn time.

A day at the lake.

It was a warm spring evening at the lake. She stood graciously by the fence, arms folded below her chest, a tragic smile on her face, her eyes fixed at the calm water. The wind constantly blew the strands of her hair across her face but she didn't complain. Her heart was too tired. It had been a long time now and she was getting used to the sad days and lonely nights but once in a while it all came crashing down at once and she had to get away.. just like it happened that day. There were no words to fill the emptiness, no remedy to cure the ache. Soon her burdened heart made it impossible for her to stand. She sat near the water, her usual place and watched the birds descend, touch the surface and rise again. There was something so beautiful about it.  She closed her eyes, hugged her legs and listened. She listened to the nature's music. The chirping of birds, the noise of the wind as it swayed the grass, the sound of the splashing water as the birds hit the surface and took off, the sweet instrumental being played at a distance. It was all overwhelming. Soon a tear forced its way through her closed eye and raced down her cheek. A hundred followed. She cried for a long time. I guess that's what happens when you stay strong for too long. Humans are made that way. They can only stay strong for too long. They are bound to fall. But it was alright. She wasn't ashamed of breaking. It was the only proof that she was still alive.   

My favorite place.

I went to my favorite place after a long day at university. By the time i got there the sun was all set to bid farewell and the wind had almost lost its warmth. I sat on the bench, legs crossed, opened my favorite book and started to read. Soon enough i got distracted by the sight of a white butterfly making its way through the long grass. It would occasionally descend to the ground and  rise again, fluttering its magical wings. i wanted to get back to my reading as soon as it disappeared at a distance but my eyes traveled west following the sound of a dove. It stood by a water exit and occasionally bowed to the ground to drink. It was so far the most beautiful thing i had seen that day. The grass was green following a long spell of rain and a few yellow dandelions stood graciously on the top. The wind was gentle and embraced my naked hands and face. As i gazed above i noticed a few flakes of white clouds crawling on empty blue sky. Its the best place to be nowadays. Takes my mind off things for a while.

Hearts.

I'll never understand what our hearts are really capable of. How long they can go on beating despite all the suffering they go through before they would just give up. I've seen all kinds of hearts. Most people would call them ugly. To me, they are all beautiful. Its just amazing what this little organ can do. How much it can take and still keep on beating. How fragile it looks and sounds but in reality how much strength it carries. Over the years i'v learnt that none of us is bad. No matter how wrong a person seems there is always something so beautiful inside them, hidden beneath all that skin in this little thing. No matter how different we look from the outside, from the inside we are all the same. All beautiful and unique and lovable. What i believe is that no one sets out to do wrong in this world, what we end up doing entirely depends on our circumstances and that clearly can't be declared as our fault. We are all messed up but we are all good people. I believe that if we learn to look at people's hearts, this world would be heaven.

Why?

The sky was clear blue with a few flakes of dark clouds showing signs of rain. She sat comfortably in the backseat doing the usual, palm of one hand supporting her left cheek, eyes fixed at the sky, quiet as calm water. But something was different today. There was fresh pain, there had been an accident, The wounds that were stitched shut long time ago had blood leaking out of them, it wasn't the mirror fogging but the constant appearance of tears blocking her view. People were involved, people she loved and truly cared about. Another nightmare had come to life, another fear confronted her that day, another hope died a terrible death, another day went dark before night. Same question, just one question. Why?  

Rantings of a tired mind (3)

It was one of those nights that grew dark as she struggled to hold it together. She was alone in bed, hugging her legs with great force as if her world would fall apart if she ever let go of them. Laying in bed on her side, despite all the strength with which she fought to keep them from flowing, with an interval of a few seconds, a tear hopelessly made its way down her pale face and disappeared into the pillow. Memories came hurling down at her, one by one, each leaving its mark on the pillow while it turned wet. Her heart was racing like a horse, desperate to burst right through her chest. Her voice died as soon as she made a trembling sound. The horrors from her past kept her awake yet another night.

Rantings of a tired mind (2)

Even though i'v spent endless nights at war with my own self, where my heart was forcefully turned into a battlefield and my desires my enemy, tears fell like bombs and prayers played the role of well sharpened swords, i fought with all my might and defeated the opponent. However at dark cold nights like these i feel an itch in my deepest wounds. Though the damage was set to heal a long time ago but sometimes.. times like these this itch tears apart the perfectly sealed memory box and takes me back to our land where once the days were filled with the warmth of the sun and nights with a million stars looking down at us.

Rantings of a tired mind.

I've never felt more compelled to put down everything i'm feeling into words. Though words fail me quite often but somehow at this moment there is this maddening force that sets about in my heart, rushes all the way up into my head and explodes into a million words. All so unique and painfully beautiful. These words are not just a few short lived figments of my imagination. Rather each word narrates a tale from my savage past. The dark days that were so constant that the earth of my soul forgot what it was like to feel the kiss of the sun, when my heart was nothing more than a thirsty human lost in the desert seeking a few drops of water to content its thirst.. still that tired little organ kept beating.. hanging on to whatever hope there was left. My fingertips are constantly reaching for the alphabet keys, forcing me to bring another word to life as soon as the last one has emerged. Maybe because there is a deep realization in my head of the uncomfortable night that will follow.. i fear that if i stop writing the horrors of this brutal night will start hurling down at me. Its dark and i'm scared. And like hundreds of nights before i once again lay here alone in my bed at night, trying to recall my favorite tune, my lullaby, my priceless asset. The heartbeat.

Shitty times.

Times are shitty. All my friends are going through a tough time and i'm constantly failing to do anything about it. My best friend is going through hell right now. This could be the worst year of my friend's life and all this time i knew it was coming but i failed to stop it. Its happening. I pray day and night that things work out for my friend and i'm trying to be there, a constant reminder that don't give up just yet. Just one more year of struggle and it will all be fine. i know its not easy, we know its not easy but there is no other way. There never was. There is this other friend who is getting married soon.. lives far away.. for some reason stays mad all the time. frustrated and irritated. I hope things work out. And then i have this friend who lost a brother few years ago. Depressed as hell. Still hasn't been able to move on. God help them all.

Life.

There is this dialogue from a movie.. "We want people we can't have, and we crap all over the ones we can have." Its plain sad and unfair but that's how life is. Life is unfair. No matter how hard we try, no matter what pain we go through to get there.. there is no guarantee that we will make it to the finish line. What i'v learned so far is that there is no point in expecting things to happen. If you want to be satisfied with life then just believe in giving. Give with all your heart, whatever you can, whenever you can and don't expect a return. Don't carry a greed in your heart that you are doing this for a reward.. because there is none. Life is pointless. Its hard and filled with crap but the trick is to keep on going. Keep on giving. Yes you will get filled with emptiness. You will have a lot of uncomfortable nights, you'll get lonely... but it all gets okay with time. You get used to it. And then you die. This life is nothing but a couple of days. Just give. 

Into the wild (8)

Went to the park with my niece. After a few rounds of swing my sister arrived and took over so i had a chance to sit back on a bench and enjoy the winter sun. I'm simply in awe of nature. How a squirrel crawls down a tree, cautiously runs through the grass and races up to another tree. How the birds walk on the grass with their tiny feet, occasionally bury their heads in the ground in search of food, spread their wings and take off. How a thirsty crow lands near a ditch filled with water from the recent rainfall, bow to the ground, takes a mouthful and gracefully raises its head to swallow. How the noiseless wind runs along the surface of the ground making the grass dance. How the sun rays touch the surface of the earth and leave a warm fuzzy feeling. Nature is simply beautiful and flawless. Fuel to souls like mine.

Tragedy.

Do you know what's a tragedy? A car accident, an earthquake, a sudden death, bad grades.. these are all just accidents. A tragedy is when you pick up all your crushed pieces and no matter how freaking painful it is you put yourself back together, scratch each and every scar off your soul just to make it look perfect and even though it takes every ounce of energy you have left to stand up again on those two feet.. you do it and you selflessly give yourself away to someone you think deserves you and because they asked for it but that someone breaks your legs so hard that you are never able to stand again, crushes you so bad that you can no longer recognize your own pieces and hurts you so much that each and every pore of your soul bleeds and screams in pain. That my friend is a tragedy.

Who am i?

A friend told me the other day that i am unique. According to her i don't care what the world or the society thinks about me.. i just do my thing.. and when i get involved in something i give it my all. and even though i hardly have any friends and i am lonely but i am comfortable with my loneliness.. i don't let it get to me. That's usually where most people fail but i carry it just fine.  

Almost all of it is true. But what amazes me is even though almost every other person is able to tell WHAT i am .. none has ever been able to tell WHO i am. And that is the biggest tragedy in my life. 

Someone.

We all deserve someone. Someone all to ourselves. Someone who is there to smile at us when we wake up in the morning. Someone who misses us when we are away. Someone whose arms are always wide open for us.. who is always there to hug when we are down and hold our hand through all the bad times. Someone whose eyes sparkle when they look at us and that bright shine screams with our love. Someone whose heart is filled with our compassion. Who makes us feel beautiful and complete and not alone. Someone who finds time just to sit and talk about how our day went. Someone who wants to know whats on our mind at any time of the day. Someone who is there when we fall sick and strokes our hair while we lay in bed in pain. Someone who knows our flaws yet chooses to look past them and admires the good there is. Someone who waits for the evening just to sit together, watch the sunset and have a cup of tea. Someone who gets happy just by feeling our heart beat. Someone who is there to tuck us in and kiss us goodnight. Someone who sits by our side while we try to fall back asleep after waking up from a nightmare. Someone for everyone.

Child Abuse.

Child abuse is very common in our society. 1 out of 3 children get abused each day and by abuse i mean sexual, verbal and physical abuse. As much as its sad to know that these statistics are true what makes me more sad is the fact that we still don't do anything about it. The most common type of abuse is sexual. A child is usually abused by someone who is trusted by the child or by his/her parents. The first way to avoid it is not to leave your children with other people. I'm amazed by how many parents trust their servants with their toddlers. If you can't take your own children to the park play with them at home and if you don't have time for even that then don't make babies in the first place. Parents should find time to sit with them and talk every day just to know how their day went. Children should know they can tell you if anything bad happens. They should be able to trust you. Moreover give them a training session every few months, tell them the difference between a right touch and a wrong touch and what they should do if somebody touches them the wrong way. Many children grow up suffering because either they were too scared to tell anyone or when they finally did they were told to never talk about it again. It ruins the child's self esteem and destroys the psyche. the fear of those culprits never leaves them and they get left behind in everything. Moreover they'll find it hard to make friends or trust people. Children need professional counselling after such incidents therefore don't ignore it. I request all the parents to start educating themselves and their children about child abuse. Its about time.   

Haven.

She walked aimlessly on the empty streets at night.. no where to go, no one to see.. she walked in hope that she might end up somewhere safe. Some where away from the cruel world, from people, from men. Every time she glanced back into her past all she could see were monsters disguised as men. Her soul was filled with scars, each scar still hurt. They were all reminders of the days she was scared, the days when she felt unsafe. There were times when she wanted to chew them off her soul and then there were moments when she simply stopped fighting, trying to accept them as a part of her existence. Tired from the struggle, walking under open sky she tried to reason with herself one last time. Was she worth it all? did she deserve to be hurt?.. like a thousand times before she failed. Her body kept shrinking in the cold rainy night. Each tear she shed melted into the rain as it washed down her face. She was in search of haven but slowly she was losing hope. Each time the lightening struck her heart skipped a beat. She wanted to scream our of fear but her voice stayed tied down in her throat. Her legs finally gave up on her, forcing her to the ground. She lay on her back staring at the cloudy sky, she could see the thunder but its roar never reached her ears. Her time had finally come. She smiled as she realized, happy that she had finally found it. her haven. Some place she will be safe. There was no force that could make her want to stay or beg for more time. She was rather relieved that it was over. Without a second thought, she closed her eyes and gave herself away.  

Love.

Love. Its a small word but conceals in itself the fate of hermits like me. Love is pure. It is the most sacred feeling one could get in a lifetime. It breaks my heart to see how brutally this word is misused by people. It is a feeling that if  makes its way into someone's heart once should last forever. Yet most of us claim we experienced eternity in a split second. It disgusts me to know I've lived among such people. How unfair it is to associate this word with things and how savage one must be when one chooses to use this word to describe a relation that is not even worth it. 
To love is to be able to accept someone with all their rights and wrongs, it inspires one to be kind and selfless, to be good and forgiving, it gives one enough strength to bear the atrocities of this world, acts as a guiding light in dark days. It gives us the motivation we need to discover ourselves, the courage to hold that one hand and not let go no matter what. However it also demands sacrifice, it demands bravery and selflessness. Love can never be selfish. There can never exist a greed for reward. It is to respect our beloved's wishes and act accordingly, it is to wish for them what they wish for themselves and strive to make them happen. It is to make sure that the road they wish to travel has no barriers that its safe. It deserves loyalty, sincerity and devotion. It deserves your all. That's how it should be. that's the beauty of love.   

Into the wild (7)

I've always been a nature lover and perhaps when you love something for so long it starts participating in making you the person you become. I won't say i'm different then others when it comes to admiring nature but i'm sure i'm among the few who grow up learning to value, feel and appreciate each and every detail that nature has to offer.  

How the night changes into day.. slowly letting the mountains show. How the birds leave their nests early in the morning filling the air with their melodies. How the light reaches the skin all the way from the sun and kisses the surface of your body with all its warmth. How when it rains.. tiny droplets of water slide their way down the leaves of the trees leaving behind perfect and clear faces. How the wind displays its romance by making the trees sway with it. How the waves die down slowly and peacefully after the birds descend to touch the water and fly away. How the sun goes down, the sky changing colors from yellow to orange and golden presenting a breathtaking view. How the moon lights up the night sky and millions of stars shine brightly, leaving the audience in awe. Nature just has no limits. Each day it amazes us with its miracles. There is no end.

Into the wild (6)

The sky looks beautiful. Its almost full moon, reminds me of a place i stayed at almost 5 years ago. I had applied in air-force and after clearing all the tests i was finally called for medical exam to paf base Karachi. I left my home on 28th of feb only to live one of the best few days of my life. I shared a room with 6 more girls. knew most of them. In the mornings we used to go to the hospital and get back by 2. After lunch the rest of the girls usually slept, not me. The place we were staying at was a residential building. There was a mess on the left and barren land at the back separated by a road. the land was full of wild bushes, it was huge and there was no sign of life. After a shower I used to go to the back and sit at the corner of the road. It was quiet except for the noise of the wind from the sea. Even back then i was fond of solitude. The road was always empty and the wind and the warm sunlight had a soothing effect. I used to spend hours there alone every day, thinking.   

After dinner my friends and i used to visit the swamp. it was situated a small distance into the barren land and we weren't even allowed to go there. We used to make our way through the wild bushes, using mobile torch as our guide, whispering, laughing, not a bit scared of the snakes and dogs.  The sky was always lit up by the moonlight. We would sit by the swamp, away from the rest of the world,  enjoy the cool breeze and watch the reflection of the moon in the calm clear water. It simply brought peace. Those days helped me make beautiful memories.   

Words.

I am running out of words and experiences and that scares me. probably because writing is all i do to satisfy my need to communicate. I haven't really talked to another human in a month but that's a different story. I've never been good with words anyway because i believe more in seeing things and feelings. If life were to be like a silent movie i would've lived a happy life. Its the words that have caused the most damage because if a situation only demands words that's when i usually fail. 

The world doesn't seem to be moving at all. I feel like i'm standing at one place and have not moved in a long time. There is this restlessness that's just so suffocating. I'm growing tired of staring at these empty walls and this constant silence i'm surrounded with all the time. My heart cries, desperate to hear a familiar laugh. My soul screams in pain for too long has it been deprived of watching the smile that used to calm it down. My mind is giving up on me, weary of scrolling the same memories over and over, desperate to make new ones. I break down too often and sometimes it helps. but most of the time.. times like these.. i just want to start running.. away from all this agony.. away from all the pain.. somewhere i can breathe. But there is no escape.