Another prayer answered.

17 July 16, Sunday, the day I read my friend's post that misha had sustained 70% burns and was critical in hospital. I had no emotional affiliation with her but she was his best friend. He had already been through so much. The thought of him losing her made me shiver in the hot summer day. Without a second thought I broke my two month silence and dialled his cellphone. My goal as always was to be there like no one else would. Later I spread my prayer mat and begged Allah for her health. Each tear escaped my eyes deeply aware of the fact that once again hell awaits me. I didn't care. How could I. If there is anything in my life that i've mastered, its loyalty. He couldnot lose her. She couldnot die. I couldnot stop praying. To this day I couldnot.

Today, 22nd Oct, almost three and a half months later I saw her picture with him. She made it. He looks so happy. My prayers got answered. He didnt lose her. She didnt die. I somehow did. And thats the price I so often pay for my loyalty.

All over again.

These last few months were without a doubt the best few months of my life. I woke up each day trying to convince myself that it was true, that after a long time I was actually genuinely happy. I didn't really accept the reality till it turned around. How could I? I spent two years of my life convincing, fighting myself that its not meant to be. That my fate is doomed. I spent countless nights in tears, forcing myself to believe that this isn't my destiny until one day it just happened. I was caught off guard and just didn't know it was happening until it did. I wasn't prepared for it. What I was blessed with followed a few months of hell. I was tired and weak. I had made myself believe that nothing good would ever come my way again. I had lost all hope, every tiny shred of it. I was prepared to die alone until I realized that I might not have to. It changed me. I stopped caring about the world. Everything else stopped to matter. I gave up praying because I finally had everything I could ask for. I lived each moment with a deep realization of the fact that It might be my last. I cherished each one of them. Gave it my all until one day I was told that all wasn't enough. And now I'm back to ground zero. Loyalty is pain. And pain is inexhaustible

.

The worst of times.

I wake up each morning and get ready to go and work at a job I absolutely hate and then afterwards go back to a home where people are always fighting. Peace is just an idea for me now. There is a constant noise filled inside that never settles. It never lets me rest. Depression is taking its toll again. It keeps feeding on me, killing me.. slowly and painfully. I am not what I want to be. I am not how I should be. I am not me. I miss home.