Nothing left to lose.

When i was 10 the biggest most gigantic thing i ever had to worry about was how to collect Rs.180 to buy a football whenever i needed a new one. 15 years later and here i am.. nothing to win and nothing left to lose. Somewhere along the way i just forgot how to live for myself. And that somehow cost me everything. This world is weird in this way. When it takes something away from you it never gives it back. Hearts bleed, Souls scream but the world keeps on spinning.. leaving you behind if you don't try to keep up. People are weird too. No matter how dear they may claim you are to them they won't hesitate a second to squish you under their giant feet and carry on without you if they have to. There are no rules around here. Relations are overrated, people are overrated. Life is overrated.

An unpleasant trip down the memory lane.

I went for the test in my uni today. It sucked by the way. Finished it early therefore i had an hour to myself before my brother was supposed to pick me up. There were very few people inside and once i left the building surprisingly there was no other human in sight. It was around 4 in the evening and cool breeze was blowing as a result of the rainfall in the morning. I walked out of my department and looked over at the cafe's side. In that moment i knew it was going to be one long horrible hour. Memories came flashing back all at once. All the short trips to the cafe, the time in winters when my friend and i both used to come early in the morning and meet in the cafe for a cup of tea, how we used to spend hours on the back in the warmth of the sunlight, how we used to have lunch after classes every single day, A must cup of tea with biscuits in the evening, how i usually found him sitting on the front side with people around. Unlike me he had a huge social circle. Anyways.. i stood in one place and looked around. There was a memory associated with every single spot i could see. I guess that's normal when you spend 10 hours each day at some place for almost half a decade. However that's not what surprised me. I was amazed by the fact that every thing i was reminded of was associated with my best friend. It felt like i never knew anybody else. The unusual short walks on the highway, How i could spot him coming from the gate all the way from my department.. his unique stride.. everything.

I walked over to the tree and sat on the bench facing the ground. I could almost hear the the crowd chanting when ever there was a football match in the ground or futsal in the court. I could almost see myself standing  anxiously behind the crowd in the court three years ago, it was a mid december evening. Inter fast futsal final against rebelz. it had come down to penalties and i just couldn't watch anymore so i stood behind the crowd that surrounded him. They lost the match. As i saw him leaving i called his name, he turned around and walked towards me... I was so overwhelmed that i offered him a hand by accident. It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Fast sports fest, His match was on but i had to go inside because i had my table tennis match at the same time. I still remember how i din't want to miss a second of his match. I kept running out to know the score every time i had a chance. Finally i saw the crowd gathering around the goal posts. It had come down to penalties. I couldn't have missed it for the world. I remember i was so nervous that i literally ran down the stairs towards the field. Didn't even care i had a match too. I reached just in time and stood on his right side behind the crowd, praying. We won. The whole crowd ran towards him and i just stood there.. smiling through the tears. I waited for a while. Thought he might come but he didn't. But it was okay. The memories are countless. All the matches, walks, Nascon.. they were so many that for a moment i just wanted to run away from it all. My heart literally tore to pieces. It didn't take long before i noticed a tear fall on my arm.. a thousand followed. I didn't even care to keep my voice down. I sat there and cried, realizing it will never be the same again. The best part of my life is over. For the first time in my life i hated myself for being me. I wished i had been more selfish, i wished i had never been so giving, i wished i had tried to take what i wanted, i wished i had graduated when i had the chance, i wished i had not been so caring and had gotten myself out of it the moment i realized what i was getting into. But i didn't. I let it happen knowing what will follow. I hated myself. I hated the world for having a chance to happiness when i longer had any. I hated my very existence. I hated how i can longer turn back. I hated how insanely i miss it. I hated it. 

Loyalty

Loyalty never goes unpunished. It kills you with time, a little each day until there is nothing left in you. Nothing human at least. And then you collect whatever remains of you and quietly walk away because you are simply embarrassed of what you've become. A monster... a beast that would try to harm them in ways u couldn't imagine so you protect them from yourself. You know there is no longer any cure for your insanity and you are well aware of what you are capable of. You spend your life acting as their shield, doing everything in your power to keep them from getting hurt until a day comes when you realize you are the one they need to be saved from. Its the worst thing that could happen to you, your biggest nightmare, but you live each day living it, fighting, telling yourself how it was the right thing to do. Its a battle that begins at the time you open your eyes in the morning and ends when and if you finally go to sleep.. until next day and then it starts all over again. It never ends. You can never be human again. You can no longer feel the things you felt before for anyone else anymore and you can no longer hope for anything good. Your dreams lose all meaning and you simply feel useless on the face of earth. Its the time you start doing things because you have to and no longer because you want to. Its the price you pay for being what you were. Its the price for loyalty.. because loyalty never goes unpunished.    

Memory is a monster.

Your memory is a monster. You forget, it doesn't.Standing alone in the dark. watching the night sky, she could almost see an angel walking through the woods, surrounded by the most beautiful butterflies she had ever seen. She remembered how she couldn't help but smile and think God must really like this one. She quietly followed and kept her distance making sure she didn't miss a second of his sight. Maybe because deep down she knew that was the last time God wanted her to walk through heaven and she could never have been more right. The sky was very kind for that time of the year and the road was empty. Birds sang all around and kept them company. The air smelled like forest.. one of her favorite scents.The streams followed wherever they went, screaming with joy.. There is never a sound more peaceful than an angry river or a noisy stream. Flowers met them at every corner. It was all so beautiful, so perfect, so unreal. She lived each second of that dream with a deep realization that it won't last. She wasn't that lucky, never was. She knew she'd wake up. She'd have to. And she did... because nothing gold can stay. 

Got to believe.

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

Never looked back.

She slowly made her way to the lake, forcing one foot after another, striving hard not to fall from the weight of the memories she was carrying inside her. She breathed heavily, tears kept streaming down her face as her feet touched the wet ground. She was exhausted, deprived of the energy to walk but she couldn't stop. The sky screamed in pain, her ears ringed by the thunder. She approached the lake soaked top to bottom, shivering with cold. As soon as she arrived her legs gave up and she fell to the ground. It was all too familiar.. the view. All those memories came back.. each one of them flashed right before her eyes. She kept drowning in the sea of her thoughts, unable to breath. The rain fell on her like stones. Minutes changed into hours until her mind became weary of the struggle to keep it together. She gave up and let the wind take her. Her soul rose in the air, moving away from her body, reaching for the clouds. She never looked back. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Life goes on they say. Things change, priorities change, friends leave but life doesn't stop for anybody. Yes it doesn't. But it changes completely. And how it does depends on what we lose, how we lose it and what it meant to us. I've always put relations first. Always will if there is any left of it. I don't want to brag but in the past few days i'v realized that i am insanely loyal and selfless. Normally people don't see it. Probably they never will but in all honesty i never have and never will let anything go for my own good. I'm just not like that. and somehow i never leave a trace. I'v made peace with the fact that people are going to hate me for the things i make people believe i do but in my heart i know what i'v done and that these things have nothing to do with me. I go on.. life goes on. At this moment i'm completely lost. Not sure where i am, what my purpose is anymore. I simply feel useless. But i know i'll survive. I always do. 

Lonely whines.

"If one's different one's bound to be lonely". She repeats these words in her mind over and over as she struggles to hold it together for one more night. Just one more night. Tomorrow it will all be better. She tells that lie to herself as she shuts her eyes forcing herself to believe it. She doesn't. She never will. Never again. The realities of life have her convinced about her fate. Its all dark and scary out there. The world has turned into a mighty dungeon. She lives each day hoping she'd rise and find an escape. but there is none. The sun doesn't shine in the mornings anymore, the skies are empty at nights. Its all dark. Her chest feels hollow. Emptiness runs through her veins as she remembers their faces. The faces that yanked life right our of her. The faces that once made her rise so high that she almost believed she'd never see the ground again but in the end left her to rot in the bottomless pit. She is alive and yet has never been more dead. She feels and yet has never felt more numb. Her beating heart is the only sure sign of life.