An unpleasant trip down the memory lane.

I went for the test in my uni today. It sucked by the way. Finished it early therefore i had an hour to myself before my brother was supposed to pick me up. There were very few people inside and once i left the building surprisingly there was no other human in sight. It was around 4 in the evening and cool breeze was blowing as a result of the rainfall in the morning. I walked out of my department and looked over at the cafe's side. In that moment i knew it was going to be one long horrible hour. Memories came flashing back all at once. All the short trips to the cafe, the time in winters when my friend and i both used to come early in the morning and meet in the cafe for a cup of tea, how we used to spend hours on the back in the warmth of the sunlight, how we used to have lunch after classes every single day, A must cup of tea with biscuits in the evening, how i usually found him sitting on the front side with people around. Unlike me he had a huge social circle. Anyways.. i stood in one place and looked around. There was a memory associated with every single spot i could see. I guess that's normal when you spend 10 hours each day at some place for almost half a decade. However that's not what surprised me. I was amazed by the fact that every thing i was reminded of was associated with my best friend. It felt like i never knew anybody else. The unusual short walks on the highway, How i could spot him coming from the gate all the way from my department.. his unique stride.. everything.

I walked over to the tree and sat on the bench facing the ground. I could almost hear the the crowd chanting when ever there was a football match in the ground or futsal in the court. I could almost see myself standing  anxiously behind the crowd in the court three years ago, it was a mid december evening. Inter fast futsal final against rebelz. it had come down to penalties and i just couldn't watch anymore so i stood behind the crowd that surrounded him. They lost the match. As i saw him leaving i called his name, he turned around and walked towards me... I was so overwhelmed that i offered him a hand by accident. It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Fast sports fest, His match was on but i had to go inside because i had my table tennis match at the same time. I still remember how i din't want to miss a second of his match. I kept running out to know the score every time i had a chance. Finally i saw the crowd gathering around the goal posts. It had come down to penalties. I couldn't have missed it for the world. I remember i was so nervous that i literally ran down the stairs towards the field. Didn't even care i had a match too. I reached just in time and stood on his right side behind the crowd, praying. We won. The whole crowd ran towards him and i just stood there.. smiling through the tears. I waited for a while. Thought he might come but he didn't. But it was okay. The memories are countless. All the matches, walks, Nascon.. they were so many that for a moment i just wanted to run away from it all. My heart literally tore to pieces. It didn't take long before i noticed a tear fall on my arm.. a thousand followed. I didn't even care to keep my voice down. I sat there and cried, realizing it will never be the same again. The best part of my life is over. For the first time in my life i hated myself for being me. I wished i had been more selfish, i wished i had never been so giving, i wished i had tried to take what i wanted, i wished i had graduated when i had the chance, i wished i had not been so caring and had gotten myself out of it the moment i realized what i was getting into. But i didn't. I let it happen knowing what will follow. I hated myself. I hated the world for having a chance to happiness when i longer had any. I hated my very existence. I hated how i can longer turn back. I hated how insanely i miss it. I hated it.