Life man, life.

After a long tiring week i decided to spend my weekend away, away from home and work. I had a fixture to go to so i decided to take some extra time out and went for a movie. This is something i knew i shouldn't have done from the very first minute. I picked up my cell a thousand times to ask a friend to come along but gave up telling myself i had to do it alone. i should.. because this is how its going to be like for the rest of my time here in the city. Alone and usually miserable. I reached 15 minutes late and went straight to the theater. Fate had decided to take me to a little trip of its own. A trip to my past. future and present at the same time. My seat was next to an old lady. she had come alone just like me. When i looked at her the first time i was convinced it was going to be a long movie. my eyes welled up as soon as i sat down. A few rows down ahead i saw some friends sitting together, enjoying just like we used to. It tore my heart into a million pieces. I watched the whole movie reliving my life from the very beginning to the very end. Being alone is not easy. Its hard and plain unfair. But fate was never fair.It never cared. It gives you as  it wills and takes away from you whatever it wants. And it never, NEVER gives it back. Life man, life.

Little angel.

It was a usual long day at work. Missed the break too therefore was hungry like a dog by the time i got in my car after work. I took out the lunch my mother had made me and started eating. We stopped at a signal where i saw a little girl begging. She came to my window, looked at my food and expressed how bad she wanted it. I rolled down my window and gave her my sandwich. That was not the end to this story. Since there was a traffic jam we didn't move for a while. I could see her walking away from my car in the side mirror. What i saw next made me cry. She gave that sandwich to her brother and waved a fan at him while he ate. He looked a little older than her and she must be under 10. That sight made my heart ache. What a painful sight. So horribly and painfully sad. I wish i had another sandwich. I wish this world was fair. Free of pain and poverty. Free of ruined childhoods. Free of slavery. I wish. I pray.

Acceptance.

Weekend is almost over for which i'm glad. Its always hard being home. Tomorrow it will start all over again. I work 9 and a half hours a day with an hour and a half break in the middle. During that time i simply go to some nice place and eat alone. It  was hard initially but now i'm getting used to it. By the time i get off work i'm always too tired to talk to anyone so i simply go home, say my prayers, eat, get things ready for the next day and hit the bed. And the next day it starts all over again. Its not the kind of life i wanted but its exactly the kind i need. It doesn't let me be me, doesn't make me happy but its for the greater good. Like i said before.. its not about living anymore, only surviving.

Only survival.

Its funny how life treats us. How sometimes things seem so wrong but then all of a sudden it all turns around or one day you are living on the top of the world and the next.. you find yourself on rock bottom. Today was hard just like every other day for the past month. I spent the third night of this month writing and erasing a wish a thousand times until i ran out of strength and tears and just gave up. It was probably the hardest most horrible night of my life. I haven't slept since and last night was simply an endless struggle to fall asleep that ended in failure yet again. In the end, weary from the struggle, i simply locked myself in an empty room and cried until i became numb. Later I dressed up and went to work. Luckily it was a busy day until lunch time. Went to subway. Don't even want to write about it. it was horrible. When i reached the office i made sure i get busy again. Did overtime but as soon i got in my car it all came back to me. Life is just about moving in a circle now. Each day, Every day, A constant struggle to stay on my feet, to keep moving and not break down. And if i get lucky, to get some sleep during the night. Its not about living anymore, only surviving. 

Lonely lunches.

Today it was second day at work and i had not slept yet another night. At lunch time, having no one to have lunch with, i quietly made my way to optp. I ordered the usual and took seat near the window, facing the view. It was right opposite to where i was sitting exactly 4 months ago with my friends. I sat there quietly with a river bursting inside drowning me. I'v never in my entire life have struggled this hard to keep my tears from falling. They did. Eventually. People saw. Didn't care. I sat there quietly staring out the window, feeling more empty with every bite.  I'v never felt more alone in my entire life. It all flashed right in front of my eyes. All the beautiful memories. What a horrible day. What an absolutely horrible day. Now i'm just a freak who eats alone.