Farewell 2014.

I'm concluding this year in words with trembling hands and an aching heart. What a terrible year it was. The word tragic doesn't even begin to define what it has been like. We usually call something tragic when we know there is hope that something good will follow or when the survival rate though barely minimum still exists. I don't know where to begin.. January.. that arrived just a few days after i almost lost my sibling or February that i spent actually caring for and mothering another living thing but it was taken away.. or March.. when i saw my best friend hit rock bottom and i just wanted to do anything to help back up... April which i spent with a growing realization and deep fear of what lied ahead. May.. i said farewell to all my batch mates who graduated but i didn't. A close relative passed away.. spent a week attending funeral, giving exams and organizing funeral dinners. Summer.. what a horrifying summer it was.. all the way from June to august. The time when i hit solid rock. The time when i actually believed i wouldn't survive. The time i was completely left alone.. family friends., they all backed off. I was on my own. I spent the months that followed trying to save a sinking ship. I lived everyday with only one thought in my mind that i have to try. and i did.. in every possible way i could. After all i had everything to lose. and i eventually did. Finally, December.. 16/12.. those wounds will never heal. Now, as i sit here concluding this year with tears streaming down my face.. i guess its safe to say that there is no hope for the coming year. Nothing left to lose.  

Into the wild (5)

There are two things that feed this soul. Nature and love. Although i'v run out of chances for the later one but nature is something i'm not ready to give up on yet. I'v always enjoyed the road more than the destinations. Every journey begins with my heart wishing that it never ends. I love looking out the window.. how the view changes in just a blink of an eye.. watching strangers, imagining what their life would be like.. there is just soo much to see. The longest i'v traveled in a day is for 25hrs. Well thats more than a day. I traveled all the way from Islamabad to Gilgit. made sure i sit by the window, spent the night up gazing at the empty road, letting the cool breeze touch my face. There is no better feeling than watching the night change into day.. how the stars conceal and that grace with which the dim sunlight lets the mountains show. Watching the birds leave the nest at the strike of dawn is another delightful sight. Listening to the sweet soothing melodies they create calms one down. Stopping at different stations, meeting different people, tasting their food and that dhabay ki chai without which no journey is ever complete.. they all make a journey worth remembering. I can't wait to hit the road again.        

Loneliness.

Loneliness. Its like an insect that crawls all over your skin and chews the flesh off inch by inch. its like that deadly snake.. once it bites you.. its poison penetrates your bloodstream.. slowly and painfully it kills you. Sitting alone in my bed at this time of night i think about what i had four years ago and what i'm left with now. The answer is simple yet its going to take a lifetime to adjust. I guess at the end of the day we are all just scared.. scared of being alone. What drives us in this society is the deep realization of the fact that when its time for us to die.. it would suck to die alone. We are all in greed of relations. We want to gather as many people as we can.. it doesn't matter how we get them.. whether its through money or lies or betrayal. We want them. All this time i'v been saying 'we' even though i'm pretty sure i'm not a part of them. In my opinion what makes a relation special is what we choose to give for it. Loyalty, sincerity, faith.. these are just the basic ingredients to build the foundation for a relation. What makes it special is when you chose to give it your all. One relation.. work on this one relation and devote yourself completely. there is a grace in being known as having belonged to someone. There is a beauty in having your mind and heart possessed by that one soul that makes this life worth living. I guess this makes me ancient but i'm at peace living my life knowing all my pieces are at one place.        

Random.

Well final exams have been postponed once again. I reactivated my fb because i thought i had gathered enough strength to be able to blend in with the rest of the world. I was wrong. My newsfeed is full of students celebrating because papers got delayed. These holidays are at the cost of  over a hundred innocent lives that we lost 12 days ago. My mind still hurts from the images of that day. I'm not criticizing anyone.. i'm just sad at the fact that the people of this country have to go through so much wrong everyday.. some of us have become numb, others have become strong.. enough to be able to handle anything and the rest.. people like me.. the scared ones.. we'll keep running.      

Nothing.

I feel deprived of the ability to write whats on my mind right now because even i don't know what it is. Either my brain is tired as a result of all the uncomfortable nights i'v had lately or my eyes are getting weary of staring at the walls of my room, or its the heart that screams in pain every time i try to force it to get used to how things are or my soul still bleeds. I have a good memory and i'm excellent with dates but for some odd reason the past is a blur to me right now and I feel incapable of dreaming about the future. I guess my circumstances are finally getting to me. But this too shall pass.

Into the wild (4)

Luckily i was born in one of the most beautiful countries of the world. If i look at the north i see mountains and rivers and forests.. the south is bounded by the arabian sea.. full of life. I love north the most. Last year in summer i had a chance to visit Gilgit baltistan. An absolute majesty. Since it was a university trip so we made a few stops. Naltar was one of them. It is a valley located 40 km from Gilgit city and is only accessible by jeeps. The journey is amazing.. the road is narrow and runs alongside a stream coming from the mountains that carries a stunning view. As we neared the valley the temperature started to drop. It did to a point where we all felt compelled to wear our jackets. We stopped at Naltar lake. It is also called 7 colored lake which is obvious once you see it. From where i stood i could see a mountain of rocks on the left of the lake (the one we climbed later and my friends had to help me all the way up. :p).. presents a splendid view from the top, plain green land at the back  bounded at the left by huge mountains with a few signs of snow at the top. there was a stream coming from it making its way through the land. Its water was freezing cold. One couldn't stay in the water for more than a few seconds. Summer is the best time to visit since Its impossible to reach the valley in winters because of the snow. Naltar valley is another miracle of God. Full of life and colors. I hope i go again soon.

   

Reality check.

I met a bunch of old friends last month after four years. Spent a night with them. They all noticed a change in me. that i'v grown awfully quiet. When one of them pointed this out the rest agreed.. and i just smiled. Thats all i could do. I couldn't find words to disagree or fill the silence that i created in response to their observation. Ever since that day i'v been trying to figure out why. Why the change? What caused it?.. I sat down one night and tried to remember every significant incident that has occurred in the last few years. here is what i remembered.. I've been near 6 coffins, attended 7 funerals.. knew them all very well. Watched two people die, Stayed in hospital three times for 4 days each.. twice as an attendant, one almost died the other didn't make it and the third time i was the patient. Lost two very very dear friends. Practically strangers now and i'm sure i did everything i could to not let that happen. Survived a suicide blast by just a few feet.. alot of people died. Still haven't recovered from it. Spent a year suffering from clinical depression. In the past four years there has not been a single day when i'v not been in some kind of physical pain. It's always bad. I guess that explains why i am grumpy all the time. :p And then there is another incident that happened few weeks ago. Still trying to forget. We all have our own way of dealing with grief and pain.. thats what makes us different.. thats what changes us. What we do with the pain defines who we are and that sucks most of the time.

Day at the park.

I took my two year old niece to the park today. The same park i used to play at everyday 12 years ago. Slowly we walked together, her holding my finger with her tiny hand. She has a curious mind. Questions about everything she sees. I tried to answer each one of them. There is a watercourse on the way bounded by a fence. My niece loves to stand there and watch the water running. That was our first stop. After a while we moved on. We were the first to reach the park. I asked which ride she wanted to go to first and with that typical excited expression of hers she ran towards the slide pointing and saying "je wala!!" (that one!). I helped her to the top. Told her to wait till i come to the front and hold her hand. As i appeared i saw her standing, holding the pole tightly with a scared expression on her face. It turned into a laugh as soon as she saw me. She came sliding down. I picked her up and she almost screamed in excitement.. PHIL SHAY! (Again!). After 3 or 4 turns we moved on. By that time we were not alone anymore. It was amazing to see the parents of children i used to play with bring their grandchildren. Time sure flies by. I took my time before i let that thought go. Children started coming up to meet my niece. There was a kid probably 5 or 6.. he tried to be friends with her but she came running to me and hugged my legs. Told me she was scared. I tried to calm her down and convince her that he means no harm but in vain. She has still not recovered from an incident that happened a few months ago. That kid stayed with us for a while, we took a few more rides until my niece told me she wanted to go home. We made a stop at the water course again on our way back. She told her mother about all the friends she made at the park and the boy who scared her. But she was happy. I can tell because an hour later she wanted to go again. :p    

My sister's keeper. (26-12-13)

My sister almost died that day. I remember dragging her to the car. Her head was on my lap. My fingers involuntarily kept running through her hair. We reached the hospital just in time. They took her away. The doctors kept coming, one after another. She was finally shifted to the ICU. All my siblings were busy so i volunteered to stay the night. She finally woke up. told me she was cold. I hugged her and started rubbing her back. Did it for almost two hours. She fell asleep again. I spent the night by her side on a chair. Made sure i didn't fall asleep. Every time she turned the monitor plug used to come off and I was scared to let that happen. At night when everybody fell asleep I finally had time to looked around. There were six more patients. Two had hepatitis C. One of them cried in pain that night. Another was on tubes. I just knew she wouldn't survive another night. She was old and weak. Another lady was coughing blood. They were all asleep. The only sound that night was of the monitor and that old lady breathing. I spent the rest of the time carrying my sister to the bathroom, brushing her hair, putting her drip on and off every time she had to go, answering her questions. Night changed into day. I went home in the afternoon. My other sister stayed back. It was her turn to spend the night but my sick sister demanded that i stay. I went back in the evening. That night i stayed up again. I had a book in my hand because i had a final the next day but couldn't study because of that old lady. She was dying. I spent that night watching her and reciting darood. She passed away around dawn. I watched her die. Everybody knew she was dying yet none from her family had the time to stay with her. She died alone and it broke my heart. Maybe because i live each day with a fear that i'll end up just like her... alone on my deathbed. I stayed in the hospital for two more nights. Used to go home in the afternoon for 6 hours. Out of those six, i'd spend the first eating breakfast (only meal of the day i could find time for) and updating my family. The next cleaning up and praying. later my family used to leave for the hospital so i could have almost 2 hours alone. During that time i used to cry. Staying strong was not easy but i had to for my family. The rest of them had fallen apart. I had to make all the decisions. Console each one of them. Thats how i spent those four days. Couldn't have done it without the support of my best friend. It wasn't the first time i had stayed as an attendant. Had done it a year ago for another friend. It made me realize God had made me do that to prepare myself for something worse. God does that all the time.           

Into the wild (3)

When i am having a bad day or have recently been through a tough time.. i like to go to the lake. Its a 20 min drive from my university. My friend and i always go and sit at the same spot. Its quiet and usually i don't find many people there. There is some thing about the water that takes the pain away for a while. I see life. I love it how birds descend to touch the water and fly away. The smell of grass, trees, that weird silence in the chirping of birds.. i close my eyes and let it all sink in. Watching the sun rays fall on the surface of the lake is another beautiful sight. For a while the world seems like a better place. Those few hours that i spend there help me heal. Nature does that.   

Heartbeat.

Scared of the world, she sat in the corner of the room hugging her legs, her eyes tightly shut. It was dark.  She was cold and alone. The sound of her thoughts was overcome by the noise of the storm outside. The rain kept hitting the walls recklessly.. She sat there patiently waiting for the storm to settle. Hours passed by.. the storm only grew wilder. She still had hope for daylight but there was no sign of dawn. She kept telling herself.. 'after every storm there is sunshine'. Tears continued streaming down her face. She lied down on the floor, curled up like a ball.. trying hard to fall a sleep but the sound of thunder kept her awake. She tried to remember.. her lullaby.. the rhythm of his heartbeat. All the noise made it impossible for her to focus. How did it go? how did it feel? how did i forget? All these questions made her restless. Her heart was racing like a horse now, all these memories came flashing back. She cautiously picked out the ones she needed to remember. She had felt it a dozen times but somehow failed to recall. She tried again and failed. She tried again and finally she remembered. She could hear his heart beat. Her face lit up. She wasn't scared anymore. Nothing else mattered. All the other sounds died down. Slowly and peacefully it put her to sleep.          

A gift.

They say people like me have a gift.. that we can feel others pain. We feel deeply about everything. From my loved ones to a complete stranger.. I can feel their pain and it hurts the same way all the time. Some believe i am mad, some believe i am good at heart and some think i'm just ungrateful. I've learnt to accept this pain as a part of my being, as my own. But this very gift has become a curse. Usually my gift is the first thing that draws people closer, the very reason why they love me. But sooner or later, it becomes the curse that pulls them away as well. 

Into the wild (2)

Of all the places i'v been in my life.. Rama is the best for me. It is a valley situated in Astore district of Gilgit Baltistan. Rama has everything a nature lover could ask for.. meadows surrounded by forest and further ahead by mountains. There is a lake at the top of the valley that offers a beautiful and easy hike to adventure lovers. This valley is only accessible in summer season. It is a quiet cold place and holds a great view.
I visited Rama last year in June.. the snow had already melted revealing the lush green valley that offered a breathtaking view. Standing in front of my hotel i could see plain green land in the front with a stream running in the middle, forest up ahead and on the left as well. the area was surrounded by huge green mountains that turned white in the morning after a snowfall. A two hour hike from there led me to the Rama lake.. another master piece of God. I could just sit there forever and watch the light drizzle break the calm of water. As soon as the sun goes down and if the weather is clear.. the view of night sky is another treat. I remember the time i was there. My friends and i were having a bonfire.. one of my friends told me to look up. As soon as i did my jaw dropped and i found myself looking at the most beautiful night sky I had ever seen. One of the happiest moments of my life. A trip that changed me completely. Helped me make the most beautiful memories. Rama is simply amazing.
 

   

Into the wild (1)

I've always found nature fascinating. Funny part is i feel much more comfortable around nature as compared to humans. It lets you see what you want to see, hear what you need to hear. It heals you. Chirping of birds, noise of the ocean waves, beauty of the sunset, smell of the forest, vastness of the night sky, shining stars, sound of the mountains.. the list goes on and on. Nature never stops amazing me. Last year in summer i went to the north with my friends. There is a bridge over a river called Jinnah bridge that connects Gilgit city with Naltar. Our hotel was nearby. One day my two friends and i took a walk down to the river early in the morning. The three of us sat on a bench facing the river. We stayed there for a long time, quietly watching the water. The sound of the river was deafening.. yet so peaceful. I had never felt more calm in my life. Those times are my treasure. 

Nightmare

I had this nightmare few days ago. I was at some street at night. Alone. And all of a sudden people start killing each other with swords. I get pretty scared so i run into one of the apartments in hope that i find a safe place to hide.. but i see dead people all over the floor. I climb the stairs and end up on the 2nd floor in another apartment. I find a person there.. not sure if it was a boy or a girl. He tells me to follow. He takes me to the terr-is and asks me to lay down and look up. scared of all the bloodshed going around i do exactly as he says. He lays down next to me. I look up. Within seconds All my worries wash away. I become calm and relaxed. I find myself looking at the most beautiful sky I've ever seen.. full of stars, full moon.. so radiant. I lay there next to him for a long time... both of us quietly watching the sky. He tells me that if i ever feel scared again i should do exactly the same.. lie down on the ground somewhere and watch the sky. that way i'll feel safe. In that moment i woke up. Tears filled my eyes. I was so scared. 

We only get what we deserve.

A dear friend once said to me.. "we only get what we deserve. that God only gives us what we deserve."  Ever since that day i have become more observant of my surroundings and every day i find dozens of reasons that prove him wrong. If we only got what we deserved then there wouldn't be any orphanages.. if that were true no parent would ever give up and leave her child alone in a swing outside a charity house.. if God only gave us what we deserved more than a hundred innocent children wouldn't have died in a terrorist attack at school last week. there wouldn't be any such thing as bad parents. No child would ever become a victim of sexual abuse, women won't get gang raped and left naked in the streets.. if we only got what we deserved i wouldn't have spent the first 22 years of my life in hands of wrong men and the last 2 years losing everything i ever had because i was told i deserved it. If God only gave us what we deserved then no parent would ever have to lose their child. no man would ever have to die alone and hungry on the streets. I rest my case. 

Meaning.

Sitting by the window with a hot cup of coffee on a cold winter evening. Sounds  depressing. It is. But thats not what i wish to write about. After 24 years of life.. having been through almost every kind of tragedy there exists.... I've learned quite lot about life in the process. I'v realized that life has to be more meaningful then we think it is.. there has to be something more than attending birthdays and presents and studies and work. there should be something ordinary yet so extra ordinary about us. Most of us waste our lives living each day in the same pattern as we always have. I believe that when its time for us to die and if we are lucky enough to be able to glance back before our soul is set free.. we are able to smile at the fact that we brought change in this world. it doesn't have to be huge.. something that we did selflessly and happily for someone else. That feeling is out of this world. Somehow it makes every thing else worth it. We might not always get appreciated or recognized by the subject.. but in the heart.. we'll be satisfied because we never did it for those things in the first place. Selflessly and happily...     

It hurts.

There is so much pain everywhere. At home, on my way to university, all i see is people suffering, people in pain and i feel helpless. How do you avoid feeling it? It's taking all my energy thinking about it all the time and the fact that i can't do anything about it drives me crazy. Every time it hurts i pray to God to stop the suffering of these people but i don't think He is going to answer this one anytime soon. I hope somebody answers my questions. Is it normal to feel others pain? How can you not feel it? How can you stop thinking about it? How can you not cry when you see pain? How can you not show that it hurts? How to be strong? 

Dead people walking.

If I look around me I see dead people walking. People who have a heart but they don't feel anything, I can see blood in their veins but its black, they have a brain but its incapable of thinking positive. I’m not saying that I am an angel down here but I’ve never felt more uncomfortable being a part of this world. A place where people know how to make a promise but don’t know how to keep it, where people think that they are the only humans alive and only they deserve all the good, Where people play games with the minds and hearts of those who don’t know any better. It’s a tragedy. Every day I look around and something dies inside me. a little more every day. Although the pain has been so great that I don’t feel it anymore but it’s there. All the time. 

Wrong turn

We come into this world with a brain that we have no control over. It makes us think, believe. It helps us dream. It shows us ways to achieve the unachievable and dream the impossible. We live our lives guarding our goals, protecting them from all the harm irrespective of how small they might be. Our lives are governed by them. We live each day hoping that if we work hard we might get a little closer to where we want to be. At the end of each day when we hit the bed, tired from the struggle of that day, we measure how far we have gone from where we were standing yesterday. Sometimes the distance seems large so we go to sleep with a satisfied mind, sometimes it feels small, we still get a good night sleep with a hope that we might do better the next day. But sometimes, at the end of the day, lying in the bed staring at the roof, when we think about where we stand, we realize we never moved an inch. All the struggle, all the blood and sweat that poured out of our flesh on the journey, somewhere in the middle we took a wrong turn and ended up right from where we began. We lose all the hope, all the strength. And then nothing not even the greatest of miracles can make our heart feel what it is supposed to feel. We become numb. I am numb.

Black day. 16th dec, 14

On Tuesday morning 7 terrorists attacked Army public school in Peshawar, Pakistan. That incident claimed over a hundred innocent lives. Majority of them were children. When i heard the news all i could think of was my friends. I contacted all of them and they were fine. The sad thing about that day was.. the more the time passed, the deeper it hurt. I remember watching the news and saying over and over... Oh Allah! not the children. Please not the children. i kept running to an empty room every time i broke into tears. I remember imagining what those children must be going through.i remember sitting on the carpet, crying and praying to Allah to make it stop. It did. eventually. But the damage was done. It shook our entire nation. It was an incident that can never be forgotten. The wounds it caused will never heal. Alot of  families were affected, alot of blood was shed, alot of innocent lives were taken. But our nation stands united.. determined to take revenge.That night i deactivated my fb account because my newsfeed was full of images of that incident. I don't watch the news anymore. I know that makes me a coward but i guess that makes me a human as well. I can't imagine the pain those families are in right now. I can't imagine the loss. But i know it hurts and if the time comes i know i'll fight them. Woh wakt door nahi hai jab her ghar mai ghazi hoga aur her ghar mai shaheed.

intro

Hey there. 5 min ago i was watching house, waiting for a friends' text whom i haven't talked to in a while and for some reason the idea of writing a blog came into my mind. Well.. here i am. I don't know what to say about myself coz after 24 years of living on planet earth i still don't know who i am or what to make of myself. I guess that would be the saddest intro ever. :p well. i should get back to watching the show.bye.