Shitty times.

Times are shitty. All my friends are going through a tough time and i'm constantly failing to do anything about it. My best friend is going through hell right now. This could be the worst year of my friend's life and all this time i knew it was coming but i failed to stop it. Its happening. I pray day and night that things work out for my friend and i'm trying to be there, a constant reminder that don't give up just yet. Just one more year of struggle and it will all be fine. i know its not easy, we know its not easy but there is no other way. There never was. There is this other friend who is getting married soon.. lives far away.. for some reason stays mad all the time. frustrated and irritated. I hope things work out. And then i have this friend who lost a brother few years ago. Depressed as hell. Still hasn't been able to move on. God help them all.

Life.

There is this dialogue from a movie.. "We want people we can't have, and we crap all over the ones we can have." Its plain sad and unfair but that's how life is. Life is unfair. No matter how hard we try, no matter what pain we go through to get there.. there is no guarantee that we will make it to the finish line. What i'v learned so far is that there is no point in expecting things to happen. If you want to be satisfied with life then just believe in giving. Give with all your heart, whatever you can, whenever you can and don't expect a return. Don't carry a greed in your heart that you are doing this for a reward.. because there is none. Life is pointless. Its hard and filled with crap but the trick is to keep on going. Keep on giving. Yes you will get filled with emptiness. You will have a lot of uncomfortable nights, you'll get lonely... but it all gets okay with time. You get used to it. And then you die. This life is nothing but a couple of days. Just give. 

Into the wild (8)

Went to the park with my niece. After a few rounds of swing my sister arrived and took over so i had a chance to sit back on a bench and enjoy the winter sun. I'm simply in awe of nature. How a squirrel crawls down a tree, cautiously runs through the grass and races up to another tree. How the birds walk on the grass with their tiny feet, occasionally bury their heads in the ground in search of food, spread their wings and take off. How a thirsty crow lands near a ditch filled with water from the recent rainfall, bow to the ground, takes a mouthful and gracefully raises its head to swallow. How the noiseless wind runs along the surface of the ground making the grass dance. How the sun rays touch the surface of the earth and leave a warm fuzzy feeling. Nature is simply beautiful and flawless. Fuel to souls like mine.

Tragedy.

Do you know what's a tragedy? A car accident, an earthquake, a sudden death, bad grades.. these are all just accidents. A tragedy is when you pick up all your crushed pieces and no matter how freaking painful it is you put yourself back together, scratch each and every scar off your soul just to make it look perfect and even though it takes every ounce of energy you have left to stand up again on those two feet.. you do it and you selflessly give yourself away to someone you think deserves you and because they asked for it but that someone breaks your legs so hard that you are never able to stand again, crushes you so bad that you can no longer recognize your own pieces and hurts you so much that each and every pore of your soul bleeds and screams in pain. That my friend is a tragedy.

Who am i?

A friend told me the other day that i am unique. According to her i don't care what the world or the society thinks about me.. i just do my thing.. and when i get involved in something i give it my all. and even though i hardly have any friends and i am lonely but i am comfortable with my loneliness.. i don't let it get to me. That's usually where most people fail but i carry it just fine.  

Almost all of it is true. But what amazes me is even though almost every other person is able to tell WHAT i am .. none has ever been able to tell WHO i am. And that is the biggest tragedy in my life. 

Someone.

We all deserve someone. Someone all to ourselves. Someone who is there to smile at us when we wake up in the morning. Someone who misses us when we are away. Someone whose arms are always wide open for us.. who is always there to hug when we are down and hold our hand through all the bad times. Someone whose eyes sparkle when they look at us and that bright shine screams with our love. Someone whose heart is filled with our compassion. Who makes us feel beautiful and complete and not alone. Someone who finds time just to sit and talk about how our day went. Someone who wants to know whats on our mind at any time of the day. Someone who is there when we fall sick and strokes our hair while we lay in bed in pain. Someone who knows our flaws yet chooses to look past them and admires the good there is. Someone who waits for the evening just to sit together, watch the sunset and have a cup of tea. Someone who gets happy just by feeling our heart beat. Someone who is there to tuck us in and kiss us goodnight. Someone who sits by our side while we try to fall back asleep after waking up from a nightmare. Someone for everyone.

Child Abuse.

Child abuse is very common in our society. 1 out of 3 children get abused each day and by abuse i mean sexual, verbal and physical abuse. As much as its sad to know that these statistics are true what makes me more sad is the fact that we still don't do anything about it. The most common type of abuse is sexual. A child is usually abused by someone who is trusted by the child or by his/her parents. The first way to avoid it is not to leave your children with other people. I'm amazed by how many parents trust their servants with their toddlers. If you can't take your own children to the park play with them at home and if you don't have time for even that then don't make babies in the first place. Parents should find time to sit with them and talk every day just to know how their day went. Children should know they can tell you if anything bad happens. They should be able to trust you. Moreover give them a training session every few months, tell them the difference between a right touch and a wrong touch and what they should do if somebody touches them the wrong way. Many children grow up suffering because either they were too scared to tell anyone or when they finally did they were told to never talk about it again. It ruins the child's self esteem and destroys the psyche. the fear of those culprits never leaves them and they get left behind in everything. Moreover they'll find it hard to make friends or trust people. Children need professional counselling after such incidents therefore don't ignore it. I request all the parents to start educating themselves and their children about child abuse. Its about time.   

Haven.

She walked aimlessly on the empty streets at night.. no where to go, no one to see.. she walked in hope that she might end up somewhere safe. Some where away from the cruel world, from people, from men. Every time she glanced back into her past all she could see were monsters disguised as men. Her soul was filled with scars, each scar still hurt. They were all reminders of the days she was scared, the days when she felt unsafe. There were times when she wanted to chew them off her soul and then there were moments when she simply stopped fighting, trying to accept them as a part of her existence. Tired from the struggle, walking under open sky she tried to reason with herself one last time. Was she worth it all? did she deserve to be hurt?.. like a thousand times before she failed. Her body kept shrinking in the cold rainy night. Each tear she shed melted into the rain as it washed down her face. She was in search of haven but slowly she was losing hope. Each time the lightening struck her heart skipped a beat. She wanted to scream our of fear but her voice stayed tied down in her throat. Her legs finally gave up on her, forcing her to the ground. She lay on her back staring at the cloudy sky, she could see the thunder but its roar never reached her ears. Her time had finally come. She smiled as she realized, happy that she had finally found it. her haven. Some place she will be safe. There was no force that could make her want to stay or beg for more time. She was rather relieved that it was over. Without a second thought, she closed her eyes and gave herself away.  

Love.

Love. Its a small word but conceals in itself the fate of hermits like me. Love is pure. It is the most sacred feeling one could get in a lifetime. It breaks my heart to see how brutally this word is misused by people. It is a feeling that if  makes its way into someone's heart once should last forever. Yet most of us claim we experienced eternity in a split second. It disgusts me to know I've lived among such people. How unfair it is to associate this word with things and how savage one must be when one chooses to use this word to describe a relation that is not even worth it. 
To love is to be able to accept someone with all their rights and wrongs, it inspires one to be kind and selfless, to be good and forgiving, it gives one enough strength to bear the atrocities of this world, acts as a guiding light in dark days. It gives us the motivation we need to discover ourselves, the courage to hold that one hand and not let go no matter what. However it also demands sacrifice, it demands bravery and selflessness. Love can never be selfish. There can never exist a greed for reward. It is to respect our beloved's wishes and act accordingly, it is to wish for them what they wish for themselves and strive to make them happen. It is to make sure that the road they wish to travel has no barriers that its safe. It deserves loyalty, sincerity and devotion. It deserves your all. That's how it should be. that's the beauty of love.   

Into the wild (7)

I've always been a nature lover and perhaps when you love something for so long it starts participating in making you the person you become. I won't say i'm different then others when it comes to admiring nature but i'm sure i'm among the few who grow up learning to value, feel and appreciate each and every detail that nature has to offer.  

How the night changes into day.. slowly letting the mountains show. How the birds leave their nests early in the morning filling the air with their melodies. How the light reaches the skin all the way from the sun and kisses the surface of your body with all its warmth. How when it rains.. tiny droplets of water slide their way down the leaves of the trees leaving behind perfect and clear faces. How the wind displays its romance by making the trees sway with it. How the waves die down slowly and peacefully after the birds descend to touch the water and fly away. How the sun goes down, the sky changing colors from yellow to orange and golden presenting a breathtaking view. How the moon lights up the night sky and millions of stars shine brightly, leaving the audience in awe. Nature just has no limits. Each day it amazes us with its miracles. There is no end.

Into the wild (6)

The sky looks beautiful. Its almost full moon, reminds me of a place i stayed at almost 5 years ago. I had applied in air-force and after clearing all the tests i was finally called for medical exam to paf base Karachi. I left my home on 28th of feb only to live one of the best few days of my life. I shared a room with 6 more girls. knew most of them. In the mornings we used to go to the hospital and get back by 2. After lunch the rest of the girls usually slept, not me. The place we were staying at was a residential building. There was a mess on the left and barren land at the back separated by a road. the land was full of wild bushes, it was huge and there was no sign of life. After a shower I used to go to the back and sit at the corner of the road. It was quiet except for the noise of the wind from the sea. Even back then i was fond of solitude. The road was always empty and the wind and the warm sunlight had a soothing effect. I used to spend hours there alone every day, thinking.   

After dinner my friends and i used to visit the swamp. it was situated a small distance into the barren land and we weren't even allowed to go there. We used to make our way through the wild bushes, using mobile torch as our guide, whispering, laughing, not a bit scared of the snakes and dogs.  The sky was always lit up by the moonlight. We would sit by the swamp, away from the rest of the world,  enjoy the cool breeze and watch the reflection of the moon in the calm clear water. It simply brought peace. Those days helped me make beautiful memories.   

Words.

I am running out of words and experiences and that scares me. probably because writing is all i do to satisfy my need to communicate. I haven't really talked to another human in a month but that's a different story. I've never been good with words anyway because i believe more in seeing things and feelings. If life were to be like a silent movie i would've lived a happy life. Its the words that have caused the most damage because if a situation only demands words that's when i usually fail. 

The world doesn't seem to be moving at all. I feel like i'm standing at one place and have not moved in a long time. There is this restlessness that's just so suffocating. I'm growing tired of staring at these empty walls and this constant silence i'm surrounded with all the time. My heart cries, desperate to hear a familiar laugh. My soul screams in pain for too long has it been deprived of watching the smile that used to calm it down. My mind is giving up on me, weary of scrolling the same memories over and over, desperate to make new ones. I break down too often and sometimes it helps. but most of the time.. times like these.. i just want to start running.. away from all this agony.. away from all the pain.. somewhere i can breathe. But there is no escape.