All over again.

These last few months were without a doubt the best few months of my life. I woke up each day trying to convince myself that it was true, that after a long time I was actually genuinely happy. I didn't really accept the reality till it turned around. How could I? I spent two years of my life convincing, fighting myself that its not meant to be. That my fate is doomed. I spent countless nights in tears, forcing myself to believe that this isn't my destiny until one day it just happened. I was caught off guard and just didn't know it was happening until it did. I wasn't prepared for it. What I was blessed with followed a few months of hell. I was tired and weak. I had made myself believe that nothing good would ever come my way again. I had lost all hope, every tiny shred of it. I was prepared to die alone until I realized that I might not have to. It changed me. I stopped caring about the world. Everything else stopped to matter. I gave up praying because I finally had everything I could ask for. I lived each moment with a deep realization of the fact that It might be my last. I cherished each one of them. Gave it my all until one day I was told that all wasn't enough. And now I'm back to ground zero. Loyalty is pain. And pain is inexhaustible

.

The worst of times.

I wake up each morning and get ready to go and work at a job I absolutely hate and then afterwards go back to a home where people are always fighting. Peace is just an idea for me now. There is a constant noise filled inside that never settles. It never lets me rest. Depression is taking its toll again. It keeps feeding on me, killing me.. slowly and painfully. I am not what I want to be. I am not how I should be. I am not me. I miss home.