Cry!

Cry! Cry because you want to and you know that you should. Cry for how you wish you would change things if you could. Cry for the lost heartbeat, the rhythm and what it meant. Cry for the moments, the years that were spent. Cry rivers and oceans and a million lakes. Cry because it wasnt meant to be and such was your fate. Cry for the love that was lost and for the hope that died. Cry for the dreams that shattered, for not ever recieving a  decent goodbye. Cry for your bleeding heart, cry for the ruptured mind. Cry for the fragmented soul, for how you always knew the truth but you chose to stay blind. Cry because its life and to you it was never kind, for the one good reason for it that ye shall never find. Cry because you are torn, cry because you are bruised. Cry because you feel tortured, because you feel abused. Cry because you are still alive but inside you are dead. Cry for all the times that you oh so hopelessly bled. Cry because of what happened and cry because of what did not. Cry for all the times you were weak but you still fought.  Cry for the infinite chances that you gave but never won. Cry because it doesnt matter now, because its over, its all gone. Cry because its in the past now, a ship that never sailed. Cry for it was your destiny, cry because you failed.

Another prayer answered.

17 July 16, Sunday, the day I read my friend's post that misha had sustained 70% burns and was critical in hospital. I had no emotional affiliation with her but she was his best friend. He had already been through so much. The thought of him losing her made me shiver in the hot summer day. Without a second thought I broke my two month silence and dialled his cellphone. My goal as always was to be there like no one else would. Later I spread my prayer mat and begged Allah for her health. Each tear escaped my eyes deeply aware of the fact that once again hell awaits me. I didn't care. How could I. If there is anything in my life that i've mastered, its loyalty. He couldnot lose her. She couldnot die. I couldnot stop praying. To this day I couldnot.

Today, 22nd Oct, almost three and a half months later I saw her picture with him. She made it. He looks so happy. My prayers got answered. He didnt lose her. She didnt die. I somehow did. And thats the price I so often pay for my loyalty.

All over again.

These last few months were without a doubt the best few months of my life. I woke up each day trying to convince myself that it was true, that after a long time I was actually genuinely happy. I didn't really accept the reality till it turned around. How could I? I spent two years of my life convincing, fighting myself that its not meant to be. That my fate is doomed. I spent countless nights in tears, forcing myself to believe that this isn't my destiny until one day it just happened. I was caught off guard and just didn't know it was happening until it did. I wasn't prepared for it. What I was blessed with followed a few months of hell. I was tired and weak. I had made myself believe that nothing good would ever come my way again. I had lost all hope, every tiny shred of it. I was prepared to die alone until I realized that I might not have to. It changed me. I stopped caring about the world. Everything else stopped to matter. I gave up praying because I finally had everything I could ask for. I lived each moment with a deep realization of the fact that It might be my last. I cherished each one of them. Gave it my all until one day I was told that all wasn't enough. And now I'm back to ground zero. Loyalty is pain. And pain is inexhaustible

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The worst of times.

I wake up each morning and get ready to go and work at a job I absolutely hate and then afterwards go back to a home where people are always fighting. Peace is just an idea for me now. There is a constant noise filled inside that never settles. It never lets me rest. Depression is taking its toll again. It keeps feeding on me, killing me.. slowly and painfully. I am not what I want to be. I am not how I should be. I am not me. I miss home.

Life is pain.

Life is pain. People die each day, every hour, every minute. Mothers weep, children bleed, men fight, people die. Humans do disgusting things to each other. Everything is screwed up. He blessed us with a beautiful planet and look what we have done to it. Look what we have done to each other. Pain is inevitable. I can see it in their eyes. Its written all across their faces. They are all in pain. They are all suffering. We live, we suffer, we die. There is no escape. May Allah guide us all. 

Children

Going to work in an air conditioned car taking a clean highway, working 9 hours a day in a 19 story building.. I look forward to the simple things i get to witness on my way back home. I take a different route after work and i love it. It passes through a bazar (market) and i always look forward to it. The smell of all kinds of food,  the sound of automobiles, people... its always refreshing. We stopped near a fruit stall because my brother had to buy grocery. A little boy caught my attention when he tried to pick up a banana from the fruit stall but the seller (his father) scolded him away. He jumped back with fear and took a seat a few steps away from his dad. He had one of the most innocent looks on his face. My heart ached for him. His brother was sitting at the corner of the stall the entire time, attentively watching his father sell the fruit, probably because he is going to be the bread earner after his father and would sell fruit for the rest of his life. A few minutes passed and the elder brother started shouting slogans to attract customers. His brother joined to tease him and they both burst into a laugh. I watched them quietly, smiling through tears, thinking how simple and beautiful yet so unfair their life is. No one deserves to be poor. No child deserves to stay deprived of education and basic necessities. No child deserves to stay deprived of a normal childhood. No child deserves having to grow up so fast. May God be with the children   

We deserve to be humans.

The first step towards evolution should have been us evolving as humans. Clearly we screwed that up. We spent so much time inventing that we forgot to be humans. Now we are just beasts running the machines in an insane world. We have turned into dogs who are only loyal to their bone. We won't let anybody else touch it and in case we lose it, we'd kill to have someone else's. We live for that bone. I can't imagine my children growing up in a world like this. I can't imagine anyone else's. We are a world filled with poverty and slavery and pain. We die innocent deaths each day. We Steal others freedom to find our own. We lie and cheat and deceive to be happy even when we don't deserve it. We look for peace in materials and collect money instead of smiles. We let them hurt our children and don't raise our voice. We watch them steal our joy and stay quiet. We accept what we get as our fate and lead miserable lives. We see injustice and we let it happen. We are beasts. We are cowards. We deserve to be better. We deserve to be humans.

Stronger each day.

"Happiness is only true when shared." its a quote from a brilliant movie and someone said this to me today. Here is why. It was a usual bad day at work. No matter how hard i try to focus i still fail to concentrate. Things kept crumbling down until i just couldn't handle them anymore and a call from my father put an end to it all. My neighbor passed away. i'v known her for 15 years and she is no more. It was almost break time And my boss was not in the office so i packed up and left. As usual i left the office not knowing where i'd go. Today was hard.As usual.. I wrote a text a million times and erased it. I couldn't call anybody. I made my way to a restaurant and went to the rooftop. It was empty. I took the seat at the corner facing the mountains. I placed the order and looked around. Mountains, birds, busy traffic, familiar surrounding, music, silence, memories, grief. Every now and then a tear hopelessly made its way down my cheek. Good thing no one was around. A while later a foreigner came in and took a seat a few tables away. I felt sad for him because he was alone. It took me a while to realize i was alone too. i guess this happens when u'v been this way for a while. Later i told this to an old friend. Thats when my friend said it. And it made me realize how little they know me. The world thinks i am this way because i feel it will make me happy or i'll be better off. Fame, success, money.. these things never interested me. never will. Freedom? its an illusion. Loyalty demands sacrifice. Thats what it is. Going away is not going to make it any easier for me but its the only chance to survival in this mean insane world. "Pain is inexhaustible, Its only people who get exhausted". I'm exhausted and pain just keeps on coming. Stronger each day.

Life man, life.

After a long tiring week i decided to spend my weekend away, away from home and work. I had a fixture to go to so i decided to take some extra time out and went for a movie. This is something i knew i shouldn't have done from the very first minute. I picked up my cell a thousand times to ask a friend to come along but gave up telling myself i had to do it alone. i should.. because this is how its going to be like for the rest of my time here in the city. Alone and usually miserable. I reached 15 minutes late and went straight to the theater. Fate had decided to take me to a little trip of its own. A trip to my past. future and present at the same time. My seat was next to an old lady. she had come alone just like me. When i looked at her the first time i was convinced it was going to be a long movie. my eyes welled up as soon as i sat down. A few rows down ahead i saw some friends sitting together, enjoying just like we used to. It tore my heart into a million pieces. I watched the whole movie reliving my life from the very beginning to the very end. Being alone is not easy. Its hard and plain unfair. But fate was never fair.It never cared. It gives you as  it wills and takes away from you whatever it wants. And it never, NEVER gives it back. Life man, life.

Little angel.

It was a usual long day at work. Missed the break too therefore was hungry like a dog by the time i got in my car after work. I took out the lunch my mother had made me and started eating. We stopped at a signal where i saw a little girl begging. She came to my window, looked at my food and expressed how bad she wanted it. I rolled down my window and gave her my sandwich. That was not the end to this story. Since there was a traffic jam we didn't move for a while. I could see her walking away from my car in the side mirror. What i saw next made me cry. She gave that sandwich to her brother and waved a fan at him while he ate. He looked a little older than her and she must be under 10. That sight made my heart ache. What a painful sight. So horribly and painfully sad. I wish i had another sandwich. I wish this world was fair. Free of pain and poverty. Free of ruined childhoods. Free of slavery. I wish. I pray.

Acceptance.

Weekend is almost over for which i'm glad. Its always hard being home. Tomorrow it will start all over again. I work 9 and a half hours a day with an hour and a half break in the middle. During that time i simply go to some nice place and eat alone. It  was hard initially but now i'm getting used to it. By the time i get off work i'm always too tired to talk to anyone so i simply go home, say my prayers, eat, get things ready for the next day and hit the bed. And the next day it starts all over again. Its not the kind of life i wanted but its exactly the kind i need. It doesn't let me be me, doesn't make me happy but its for the greater good. Like i said before.. its not about living anymore, only surviving.

Only survival.

Its funny how life treats us. How sometimes things seem so wrong but then all of a sudden it all turns around or one day you are living on the top of the world and the next.. you find yourself on rock bottom. Today was hard just like every other day for the past month. I spent the third night of this month writing and erasing a wish a thousand times until i ran out of strength and tears and just gave up. It was probably the hardest most horrible night of my life. I haven't slept since and last night was simply an endless struggle to fall asleep that ended in failure yet again. In the end, weary from the struggle, i simply locked myself in an empty room and cried until i became numb. Later I dressed up and went to work. Luckily it was a busy day until lunch time. Went to subway. Don't even want to write about it. it was horrible. When i reached the office i made sure i get busy again. Did overtime but as soon i got in my car it all came back to me. Life is just about moving in a circle now. Each day, Every day, A constant struggle to stay on my feet, to keep moving and not break down. And if i get lucky, to get some sleep during the night. Its not about living anymore, only surviving. 

Lonely lunches.

Today it was second day at work and i had not slept yet another night. At lunch time, having no one to have lunch with, i quietly made my way to optp. I ordered the usual and took seat near the window, facing the view. It was right opposite to where i was sitting exactly 4 months ago with my friends. I sat there quietly with a river bursting inside drowning me. I'v never in my entire life have struggled this hard to keep my tears from falling. They did. Eventually. People saw. Didn't care. I sat there quietly staring out the window, feeling more empty with every bite.  I'v never felt more alone in my entire life. It all flashed right in front of my eyes. All the beautiful memories. What a horrible day. What an absolutely horrible day. Now i'm just a freak who eats alone.

Nothing left to lose.

When i was 10 the biggest most gigantic thing i ever had to worry about was how to collect Rs.180 to buy a football whenever i needed a new one. 15 years later and here i am.. nothing to win and nothing left to lose. Somewhere along the way i just forgot how to live for myself. And that somehow cost me everything. This world is weird in this way. When it takes something away from you it never gives it back. Hearts bleed, Souls scream but the world keeps on spinning.. leaving you behind if you don't try to keep up. People are weird too. No matter how dear they may claim you are to them they won't hesitate a second to squish you under their giant feet and carry on without you if they have to. There are no rules around here. Relations are overrated, people are overrated. Life is overrated.

An unpleasant trip down the memory lane.

I went for the test in my uni today. It sucked by the way. Finished it early therefore i had an hour to myself before my brother was supposed to pick me up. There were very few people inside and once i left the building surprisingly there was no other human in sight. It was around 4 in the evening and cool breeze was blowing as a result of the rainfall in the morning. I walked out of my department and looked over at the cafe's side. In that moment i knew it was going to be one long horrible hour. Memories came flashing back all at once. All the short trips to the cafe, the time in winters when my friend and i both used to come early in the morning and meet in the cafe for a cup of tea, how we used to spend hours on the back in the warmth of the sunlight, how we used to have lunch after classes every single day, A must cup of tea with biscuits in the evening, how i usually found him sitting on the front side with people around. Unlike me he had a huge social circle. Anyways.. i stood in one place and looked around. There was a memory associated with every single spot i could see. I guess that's normal when you spend 10 hours each day at some place for almost half a decade. However that's not what surprised me. I was amazed by the fact that every thing i was reminded of was associated with my best friend. It felt like i never knew anybody else. The unusual short walks on the highway, How i could spot him coming from the gate all the way from my department.. his unique stride.. everything.

I walked over to the tree and sat on the bench facing the ground. I could almost hear the the crowd chanting when ever there was a football match in the ground or futsal in the court. I could almost see myself standing  anxiously behind the crowd in the court three years ago, it was a mid december evening. Inter fast futsal final against rebelz. it had come down to penalties and i just couldn't watch anymore so i stood behind the crowd that surrounded him. They lost the match. As i saw him leaving i called his name, he turned around and walked towards me... I was so overwhelmed that i offered him a hand by accident. It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Fast sports fest, His match was on but i had to go inside because i had my table tennis match at the same time. I still remember how i din't want to miss a second of his match. I kept running out to know the score every time i had a chance. Finally i saw the crowd gathering around the goal posts. It had come down to penalties. I couldn't have missed it for the world. I remember i was so nervous that i literally ran down the stairs towards the field. Didn't even care i had a match too. I reached just in time and stood on his right side behind the crowd, praying. We won. The whole crowd ran towards him and i just stood there.. smiling through the tears. I waited for a while. Thought he might come but he didn't. But it was okay. The memories are countless. All the matches, walks, Nascon.. they were so many that for a moment i just wanted to run away from it all. My heart literally tore to pieces. It didn't take long before i noticed a tear fall on my arm.. a thousand followed. I didn't even care to keep my voice down. I sat there and cried, realizing it will never be the same again. The best part of my life is over. For the first time in my life i hated myself for being me. I wished i had been more selfish, i wished i had never been so giving, i wished i had tried to take what i wanted, i wished i had graduated when i had the chance, i wished i had not been so caring and had gotten myself out of it the moment i realized what i was getting into. But i didn't. I let it happen knowing what will follow. I hated myself. I hated the world for having a chance to happiness when i longer had any. I hated my very existence. I hated how i can longer turn back. I hated how insanely i miss it. I hated it. 

Loyalty

Loyalty never goes unpunished. It kills you with time, a little each day until there is nothing left in you. Nothing human at least. And then you collect whatever remains of you and quietly walk away because you are simply embarrassed of what you've become. A monster... a beast that would try to harm them in ways u couldn't imagine so you protect them from yourself. You know there is no longer any cure for your insanity and you are well aware of what you are capable of. You spend your life acting as their shield, doing everything in your power to keep them from getting hurt until a day comes when you realize you are the one they need to be saved from. Its the worst thing that could happen to you, your biggest nightmare, but you live each day living it, fighting, telling yourself how it was the right thing to do. Its a battle that begins at the time you open your eyes in the morning and ends when and if you finally go to sleep.. until next day and then it starts all over again. It never ends. You can never be human again. You can no longer feel the things you felt before for anyone else anymore and you can no longer hope for anything good. Your dreams lose all meaning and you simply feel useless on the face of earth. Its the time you start doing things because you have to and no longer because you want to. Its the price you pay for being what you were. Its the price for loyalty.. because loyalty never goes unpunished.    

Memory is a monster.

Your memory is a monster. You forget, it doesn't.Standing alone in the dark. watching the night sky, she could almost see an angel walking through the woods, surrounded by the most beautiful butterflies she had ever seen. She remembered how she couldn't help but smile and think God must really like this one. She quietly followed and kept her distance making sure she didn't miss a second of his sight. Maybe because deep down she knew that was the last time God wanted her to walk through heaven and she could never have been more right. The sky was very kind for that time of the year and the road was empty. Birds sang all around and kept them company. The air smelled like forest.. one of her favorite scents.The streams followed wherever they went, screaming with joy.. There is never a sound more peaceful than an angry river or a noisy stream. Flowers met them at every corner. It was all so beautiful, so perfect, so unreal. She lived each second of that dream with a deep realization that it won't last. She wasn't that lucky, never was. She knew she'd wake up. She'd have to. And she did... because nothing gold can stay. 

Got to believe.

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

Never looked back.

She slowly made her way to the lake, forcing one foot after another, striving hard not to fall from the weight of the memories she was carrying inside her. She breathed heavily, tears kept streaming down her face as her feet touched the wet ground. She was exhausted, deprived of the energy to walk but she couldn't stop. The sky screamed in pain, her ears ringed by the thunder. She approached the lake soaked top to bottom, shivering with cold. As soon as she arrived her legs gave up and she fell to the ground. It was all too familiar.. the view. All those memories came back.. each one of them flashed right before her eyes. She kept drowning in the sea of her thoughts, unable to breath. The rain fell on her like stones. Minutes changed into hours until her mind became weary of the struggle to keep it together. She gave up and let the wind take her. Her soul rose in the air, moving away from her body, reaching for the clouds. She never looked back. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Life goes on they say. Things change, priorities change, friends leave but life doesn't stop for anybody. Yes it doesn't. But it changes completely. And how it does depends on what we lose, how we lose it and what it meant to us. I've always put relations first. Always will if there is any left of it. I don't want to brag but in the past few days i'v realized that i am insanely loyal and selfless. Normally people don't see it. Probably they never will but in all honesty i never have and never will let anything go for my own good. I'm just not like that. and somehow i never leave a trace. I'v made peace with the fact that people are going to hate me for the things i make people believe i do but in my heart i know what i'v done and that these things have nothing to do with me. I go on.. life goes on. At this moment i'm completely lost. Not sure where i am, what my purpose is anymore. I simply feel useless. But i know i'll survive. I always do.