Reality check.

I met a bunch of old friends last month after four years. Spent a night with them. They all noticed a change in me. that i'v grown awfully quiet. When one of them pointed this out the rest agreed.. and i just smiled. Thats all i could do. I couldn't find words to disagree or fill the silence that i created in response to their observation. Ever since that day i'v been trying to figure out why. Why the change? What caused it?.. I sat down one night and tried to remember every significant incident that has occurred in the last few years. here is what i remembered.. I've been near 6 coffins, attended 7 funerals.. knew them all very well. Watched two people die, Stayed in hospital three times for 4 days each.. twice as an attendant, one almost died the other didn't make it and the third time i was the patient. Lost two very very dear friends. Practically strangers now and i'm sure i did everything i could to not let that happen. Survived a suicide blast by just a few feet.. alot of people died. Still haven't recovered from it. Spent a year suffering from clinical depression. In the past four years there has not been a single day when i'v not been in some kind of physical pain. It's always bad. I guess that explains why i am grumpy all the time. :p And then there is another incident that happened few weeks ago. Still trying to forget. We all have our own way of dealing with grief and pain.. thats what makes us different.. thats what changes us. What we do with the pain defines who we are and that sucks most of the time.