Loyalty

Loyalty never goes unpunished. It kills you with time, a little each day until there is nothing left in you. Nothing human at least. And then you collect whatever remains of you and quietly walk away because you are simply embarrassed of what you've become. A monster... a beast that would try to harm them in ways u couldn't imagine so you protect them from yourself. You know there is no longer any cure for your insanity and you are well aware of what you are capable of. You spend your life acting as their shield, doing everything in your power to keep them from getting hurt until a day comes when you realize you are the one they need to be saved from. Its the worst thing that could happen to you, your biggest nightmare, but you live each day living it, fighting, telling yourself how it was the right thing to do. Its a battle that begins at the time you open your eyes in the morning and ends when and if you finally go to sleep.. until next day and then it starts all over again. It never ends. You can never be human again. You can no longer feel the things you felt before for anyone else anymore and you can no longer hope for anything good. Your dreams lose all meaning and you simply feel useless on the face of earth. Its the time you start doing things because you have to and no longer because you want to. Its the price you pay for being what you were. Its the price for loyalty.. because loyalty never goes unpunished.    

Memory is a monster.

Your memory is a monster. You forget, it doesn't.Standing alone in the dark. watching the night sky, she could almost see an angel walking through the woods, surrounded by the most beautiful butterflies she had ever seen. She remembered how she couldn't help but smile and think God must really like this one. She quietly followed and kept her distance making sure she didn't miss a second of his sight. Maybe because deep down she knew that was the last time God wanted her to walk through heaven and she could never have been more right. The sky was very kind for that time of the year and the road was empty. Birds sang all around and kept them company. The air smelled like forest.. one of her favorite scents.The streams followed wherever they went, screaming with joy.. There is never a sound more peaceful than an angry river or a noisy stream. Flowers met them at every corner. It was all so beautiful, so perfect, so unreal. She lived each second of that dream with a deep realization that it won't last. She wasn't that lucky, never was. She knew she'd wake up. She'd have to. And she did... because nothing gold can stay. 

Got to believe.

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

Never looked back.

She slowly made her way to the lake, forcing one foot after another, striving hard not to fall from the weight of the memories she was carrying inside her. She breathed heavily, tears kept streaming down her face as her feet touched the wet ground. She was exhausted, deprived of the energy to walk but she couldn't stop. The sky screamed in pain, her ears ringed by the thunder. She approached the lake soaked top to bottom, shivering with cold. As soon as she arrived her legs gave up and she fell to the ground. It was all too familiar.. the view. All those memories came back.. each one of them flashed right before her eyes. She kept drowning in the sea of her thoughts, unable to breath. The rain fell on her like stones. Minutes changed into hours until her mind became weary of the struggle to keep it together. She gave up and let the wind take her. Her soul rose in the air, moving away from her body, reaching for the clouds. She never looked back. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Life goes on they say. Things change, priorities change, friends leave but life doesn't stop for anybody. Yes it doesn't. But it changes completely. And how it does depends on what we lose, how we lose it and what it meant to us. I've always put relations first. Always will if there is any left of it. I don't want to brag but in the past few days i'v realized that i am insanely loyal and selfless. Normally people don't see it. Probably they never will but in all honesty i never have and never will let anything go for my own good. I'm just not like that. and somehow i never leave a trace. I'v made peace with the fact that people are going to hate me for the things i make people believe i do but in my heart i know what i'v done and that these things have nothing to do with me. I go on.. life goes on. At this moment i'm completely lost. Not sure where i am, what my purpose is anymore. I simply feel useless. But i know i'll survive. I always do. 

Lonely whines.

"If one's different one's bound to be lonely". She repeats these words in her mind over and over as she struggles to hold it together for one more night. Just one more night. Tomorrow it will all be better. She tells that lie to herself as she shuts her eyes forcing herself to believe it. She doesn't. She never will. Never again. The realities of life have her convinced about her fate. Its all dark and scary out there. The world has turned into a mighty dungeon. She lives each day hoping she'd rise and find an escape. but there is none. The sun doesn't shine in the mornings anymore, the skies are empty at nights. Its all dark. Her chest feels hollow. Emptiness runs through her veins as she remembers their faces. The faces that yanked life right our of her. The faces that once made her rise so high that she almost believed she'd never see the ground again but in the end left her to rot in the bottomless pit. She is alive and yet has never been more dead. She feels and yet has never felt more numb. Her beating heart is the only sure sign of life.   

Moment of realization.

It was a perfect moment. A perfect happy moment and i'v never felt more sad at the same time. It was a typical yet not so typical summer night at university. I was sitting on a bench at the court behind the rest of the crowd, waiting patiently for the futsal final to begin. My eyes wandered from the players warming up in the court, faces i'v grown used to having around in the past 5 years including my best friend, to the rides shimmering with lights. I could see dozens of kids filled in the pirate ship, screaming with joy as it carried them to the top. My ears couldn't help but listen to the tambola commentary going on at my back. As i raised my gaze to get a glimpse of the beautiful night sky the world stopped for a while. Just for a moment. A tiny moment where i realized that this was it. It was one perfect night with everything i could ever ask for.And it was all going to end. This was the end of a lifetime and a beginning of forever. My eyes filled with tears as i looked down and smiled at my friend again. The end.