Cry!

Cry! Cry because you want to and you know that you should. Cry for how you wish you would change things if you could. Cry for the lost heartbeat, the rhythm and what it meant. Cry for the moments, the years that were spent. Cry rivers and oceans and a million lakes. Cry because it wasnt meant to be and such was your fate. Cry for the love that was lost and for the hope that died. Cry for the dreams that shattered, for not ever recieving a  decent goodbye. Cry for your bleeding heart, cry for the ruptured mind. Cry for the fragmented soul, for how you always knew the truth but you chose to stay blind. Cry because its life and to you it was never kind, for the one good reason for it that ye shall never find. Cry because you are torn, cry because you are bruised. Cry because you feel tortured, because you feel abused. Cry because you are still alive but inside you are dead. Cry for all the times that you oh so hopelessly bled. Cry because of what happened and cry because of what did not. Cry for all the times you were weak but you still fought.  Cry for the infinite chances that you gave but never won. Cry because it doesnt matter now, because its over, its all gone. Cry because its in the past now, a ship that never sailed. Cry for it was your destiny, cry because you failed.

Another prayer answered.

17 July 16, Sunday, the day I read my friend's post that misha had sustained 70% burns and was critical in hospital. I had no emotional affiliation with her but she was his best friend. He had already been through so much. The thought of him losing her made me shiver in the hot summer day. Without a second thought I broke my two month silence and dialled his cellphone. My goal as always was to be there like no one else would. Later I spread my prayer mat and begged Allah for her health. Each tear escaped my eyes deeply aware of the fact that once again hell awaits me. I didn't care. How could I. If there is anything in my life that i've mastered, its loyalty. He couldnot lose her. She couldnot die. I couldnot stop praying. To this day I couldnot.

Today, 22nd Oct, almost three and a half months later I saw her picture with him. She made it. He looks so happy. My prayers got answered. He didnt lose her. She didnt die. I somehow did. And thats the price I so often pay for my loyalty.

All over again.

These last few months were without a doubt the best few months of my life. I woke up each day trying to convince myself that it was true, that after a long time I was actually genuinely happy. I didn't really accept the reality till it turned around. How could I? I spent two years of my life convincing, fighting myself that its not meant to be. That my fate is doomed. I spent countless nights in tears, forcing myself to believe that this isn't my destiny until one day it just happened. I was caught off guard and just didn't know it was happening until it did. I wasn't prepared for it. What I was blessed with followed a few months of hell. I was tired and weak. I had made myself believe that nothing good would ever come my way again. I had lost all hope, every tiny shred of it. I was prepared to die alone until I realized that I might not have to. It changed me. I stopped caring about the world. Everything else stopped to matter. I gave up praying because I finally had everything I could ask for. I lived each moment with a deep realization of the fact that It might be my last. I cherished each one of them. Gave it my all until one day I was told that all wasn't enough. And now I'm back to ground zero. Loyalty is pain. And pain is inexhaustible

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The worst of times.

I wake up each morning and get ready to go and work at a job I absolutely hate and then afterwards go back to a home where people are always fighting. Peace is just an idea for me now. There is a constant noise filled inside that never settles. It never lets me rest. Depression is taking its toll again. It keeps feeding on me, killing me.. slowly and painfully. I am not what I want to be. I am not how I should be. I am not me. I miss home.

Life is pain.

Life is pain. People die each day, every hour, every minute. Mothers weep, children bleed, men fight, people die. Humans do disgusting things to each other. Everything is screwed up. He blessed us with a beautiful planet and look what we have done to it. Look what we have done to each other. Pain is inevitable. I can see it in their eyes. Its written all across their faces. They are all in pain. They are all suffering. We live, we suffer, we die. There is no escape. May Allah guide us all. 

Children

Going to work in an air conditioned car taking a clean highway, working 9 hours a day in a 19 story building.. I look forward to the simple things i get to witness on my way back home. I take a different route after work and i love it. It passes through a bazar (market) and i always look forward to it. The smell of all kinds of food,  the sound of automobiles, people... its always refreshing. We stopped near a fruit stall because my brother had to buy grocery. A little boy caught my attention when he tried to pick up a banana from the fruit stall but the seller (his father) scolded him away. He jumped back with fear and took a seat a few steps away from his dad. He had one of the most innocent looks on his face. My heart ached for him. His brother was sitting at the corner of the stall the entire time, attentively watching his father sell the fruit, probably because he is going to be the bread earner after his father and would sell fruit for the rest of his life. A few minutes passed and the elder brother started shouting slogans to attract customers. His brother joined to tease him and they both burst into a laugh. I watched them quietly, smiling through tears, thinking how simple and beautiful yet so unfair their life is. No one deserves to be poor. No child deserves to stay deprived of education and basic necessities. No child deserves to stay deprived of a normal childhood. No child deserves having to grow up so fast. May God be with the children   

We deserve to be humans.

The first step towards evolution should have been us evolving as humans. Clearly we screwed that up. We spent so much time inventing that we forgot to be humans. Now we are just beasts running the machines in an insane world. We have turned into dogs who are only loyal to their bone. We won't let anybody else touch it and in case we lose it, we'd kill to have someone else's. We live for that bone. I can't imagine my children growing up in a world like this. I can't imagine anyone else's. We are a world filled with poverty and slavery and pain. We die innocent deaths each day. We Steal others freedom to find our own. We lie and cheat and deceive to be happy even when we don't deserve it. We look for peace in materials and collect money instead of smiles. We let them hurt our children and don't raise our voice. We watch them steal our joy and stay quiet. We accept what we get as our fate and lead miserable lives. We see injustice and we let it happen. We are beasts. We are cowards. We deserve to be better. We deserve to be humans.